


Rosea Puella

by seasaltmemories



Series: But At Least The War Is Over [1]
Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual Character, Biphobia, Depression, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Pregnancy, Self Loathing, former Juhaku
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2018-04-29 10:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5124878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seasaltmemories/pseuds/seasaltmemories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Red dictated Kougyoku's life, both this life and her past life.  The Kou Civil War leaves Kougyoku broken and she tries to run away in an attempt to escape her tainted blood and other flaws; however there are certain people and things you can never escape.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Year 1

Red, red, it was if the entire earth had been bathed in that color. Kougyoku tried to scream, but she couldn't force the words out of her mouth.

"Stop!" She wanted to yell as she saw her family, her friends, fall to the ground. "Stop fighting, please!" Despite her silent prayers, the battle raged on, thunder and lightning highlighting her loved ones' wounded forms.

Kougyoku cried, but instead of familiar cool tears, warm blood painted her face. "This is it," Dimly she thought. "I'm going to die like this. Watching everyone I care about perish because I was too weak." Fury filled her veins and she gathered all her strength to hold her djinn equip.

With a feral cry, she flew into the slaughter, trying to do something, anything to help. However just as she raised her sword, a gust of magic hit her head on.

All her resolve was lost as she was knocked out of the sky. As she reverted back to her colorful robes, her vision started to fade further and further away.

"I'm sorry," She creaked out. "Please forgive-" But the rest of her sentence was lost as her world was swallowed up by the relentless darkness.

* * *

For what felt like an eternity, Kougyoku stayed trapped in the darkness. It was a strange experience, she had been injured before, but never had it resulted in the almost out-of-body experience she was having. Kougyoku wondered if she was dying. That would explain why she felt so calm despite her last memories.

Before she could pursue that thought any further though, blinding light surrounded her, and slowly her vision came back to her.

"Your Highness!" Slowly Kougyoku craned her head up to see Ka Koubun sighing in relief. "Thank goodness Vinea was able to bring you back." She saw he was holding his metal vessel in his left hand as he wiped the sweat off his brow.

Kougyoku strained to sit up but her whole body screamed in protest. "What happened after…" Red blood, red hair, screaming, crying.

Ka Koubun pursed his lips at the question. "Forgive me my princess, I should have warned you. However I didn't want to raise an unnecessary alarm. For weeks now, I've realized a big battle was coming. So I've been preparing some supplies and provisions in case you were wounded." He gestured to three simple bags, almost filled to the point of bursting.

"You didn't answer my question." Kougyoku groaned.

"Oh," He blinked twice, as if trying to remember something. "I was watching from afar, when I saw your figure fall from the sky. No one seemed to notice, they would have left you to die if I hadn't gotten you out of there."

"Where are we, then?" Kougyoku gazed up at the tall trees circling them, she knew Kou held thousands of woodlands, but she herself had never ventured far into the green labyrinths. These forests only held bandits and tiny villages that no one knew of. At least that's what Kouen had always said as he lectured on about various parts of the world.

"Milu Forest. Near where my home is." He spoke matter-of-factly, devoid of all emotions.

"Oh." It was her turn to blink as she tried to remember what else to ask. "And what about my brothers?" She worried for all of them, even Hakuryuu, despite his rebellion against them.

"I cannot lie your Highness, but the casualties were great. Red was everywhere, I couldn't tell which corpse were which." Kougyoku wanted to scream. She wanted to kick and cry, but strangely all she could do was let out a few choked sobs.

"What have I done?" She looked up at the sky, as if Ka Koubun wasn't even there. "I left my brothers to die while I hid like a coward."

"Princess, don't talk like that!" He leaned forward and grabbed her hand. "I said I wasn't sure, and it's foolish to believe all have perished, I'm sure you'll be welcomed back with open arms."

"Why should I even go back?" In a burst of strength she sat up to face Ka Koubun. "Name one reason." It must have seen sudden for him, but for years, Kougyoku had agonized over this. She was so, so broken and alone and confused and just so tired, it was too hard being a princess. Kougyoku could have never done something so selfish as to abandon her family though. But now she had practically killed her brothers herself! It was the straw to break the camel's back as Alibaba had once said. She couldn't play this part anymore, a whore's daughter could never wear a crown, no matter how many jewels adorned her body.

"What do you suggest then?" Startled she looked back at Ka Koubun. What did she want? In the past she had wanted to be strong, to be acknowledged but things were so different now. She couldn't go back to those goals, red would haunt her every move.

"I just want to not feel dead inside," Kougyoku answered in a small voice. "I don't want to be a failure of a princess anymore."

Silence hung over the two, and Kougyoku trembled despite the hot summer air. Maybe it was from fear or sadness, she didn't know.

"Very well." Nimble hands threaded through her hair and removed her hairpin. "Ren Kougyoku is dead, my lovely butterfly is free now."

* * *

For the next few days, the duo rested in Milu Forest. Kougyoku was still very much tired, not just physically but mentally. They talked and planned of what to do with their new lives now, though there wasn't much to discuss.

"You can go back home if you wish to." Pink eyes met brown. "I'm no longer royalty, and you're no longer my servant." Instead of getting a straight answer though, Ka Koubun simply started humming a strange tune.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing." He replied. "Just remembering." The tune became almost wistful.

"What's the song?" Kougyoku felt like she was stepping into dangerous territory,but the curiosity was too great.

"A balled my lover sang. He was a traveling musician and sang it every day, even the day he died." Immediately, she understood what he was saying. And the implications sent shivers up her spine.

"The only home I have is with you now, do you understand?" There was a slight edge in his words. And Kougyoku simply nodded. She knew if he went back home, he'd probably join his lover.

After that, conversation turned to back to mundrum details; where to go, how to hide her heritage, whether to adopt new names or not, stuff like that.

"I don't care where we settle, as long as it's far away, where we won't be found." Kougyoku ran a hand through her hair, she had decided a peasant wouldn't wear a hairpin like her's. "Also can you just call me Gyoku? That way it won't be difficult remembering something else."

Ka Koubun only nodded at her ramblings, occasion asking another question. It was strange but for the first time in a long time, Kougyoku felt at peace. Maybe it was her body slowly healing or the fact a great responsibility had been lifted off her shoulders. Whatever the reason, she felt like she could almost smile.

_Stupid whore's daughter, you think you can escape your blood by running away? The only way to do is that is to have it spilled among your brothers'._

Almost smile. Kougyoku was naive but she was not a fool. She knew her crimes would still remain, that she would still be worthless and useless.

But at least she wouldn't have to see the disappointment in her loved ones' eyes. She'd be free to break in solitude.

"Ready, Gyoku?" Ka Koubun held up a plain dress as he tried out the new nickname.

She was ready alright. Ready to kill the girl that caused her so much loneliness.

* * *

So they traveled, further and further into the woodlands of Kou. Neither of them were skilled with navigating, but their food supplies were plentiful, they could wander around for a while.

The only bad thing was Kougyoku's aching feet. She was no stranger to pain, but she had never walked so much in her entire life. Still she'd wear them raw if she could escape the royal life.

However a couple days later, they realized that the constant wandering couldn't last forever.

"Prin- i mean Gyoku?" The name still rolled clumsily off his tongue. "Look here." He pointed to the half empty bags of food. "I mean no disrespect but we must settle in the next village we arrive at. If we continue to just pass through them as before, our supplies will get dangerously low."

"Can't we ration them for a bit longer?" But just them an audible groan escaped Kougyoku's stomach. It seemed her body couldn't play pretend like she could. For a whore's daughter, she was an awfully spoiled one.

"I'm not sure if that'd be the best option." A ghost of a smile coasted over Ka Koubun's face as he reached to ruffle her red hair. "I know it's hard, but please, I want you to have a happy life and to do that we need security."

Kougyoku sighed, she knew he was right. But this eternal existence was almost pleasant. No hateful stares or two-faced words. They simply floated through the land, as if spirits of the dead.

"Alright."

And as if it was planned, they arrived at a town three day laters.

"Xiaoshi," Ka Koubun read from a sign. "How does that sound?"

"Doesn't matter." Kougyoku replied. "These villages are all the same." So they checked into an undescriptive inn and spent the night there. In that small dirty room time didn't seem to exist. Kougyoku would laze around while Ka Koubun searched for a place they could call home.

She couldn't tell you how many days they stayed in that inn. Sometimes it felt like Ka Koubun would leave one second and come back then next. On and on, again and again, a never-ending cycle. Kougyoku would have to close her eyes or risk getting sick at the frightening speeds.

But then things would slow to a halt. In one hour, eternities would pass as Kougyoku sat and stared and thought to herself.

Of course these moments were when the haunting voices were strongest, but they always plagued her.

_Stupid whore, waste of space, useless princess._

All these were true, so Kougyoku didn't even try to argue with them anymore. She simply accepted the insults as she waited for her body to waste away.

"You haven't left the room in forever" His voice would always hold so much concern in the darkness of night, when he could conceal his true intentions, whatever they were. "Are you certain you don't want to join me tomorrow?"

"I'm fine." She parroted those lines. I'm fine, I'm fine, I said I'm fine, please just leave me alone and pretend you don't see the cracks. And so the cycle continued and continued. Kougyoku felt like she lived several lives in that small room as the weight and implications of her actions hung heavy on her shoulders.

But then the cycle was broken as Ka Koubun burst in the door and yelled,

"Wake up Gyoku! We're going home."

* * *

It's a small thing, a pile of wood compared to the palace she had lived in. But then it seemed like eons since she had seen her home in the first place.

"It has six rooms and a small field that we can use to grow vegetables. Then we can sell the extra ones and make some money back. How does that sound, Gyoku?"

Kougyoku only gave a stiff nod. "Good." All Ka Koubun's words might as well have been gibberish. She was  _so so_ tired, how did he not see it?

Ignoring his rambling, she walked in the house, footsteps heavy and drawn out. In a fuzzy haze, she found a small room with blankets scattered across the floor.  Mechanically she laid down and shut her eyes, trying to block out the rest of the world.

"Princess?" The forbidden title stirred her to crack an eye and look up at Ka Koubun.

"I told you I'm not a princess." She sighed. "I'm just a tired girl who needs sleep." And once again, she closed her eyes, hoping to forget the world.

Once again, Kougyoku fell into the cycle that had plagued her at the inn. A strange fatigue hung on her soul, one that the hours upon hours failed to cure. She didn't even pretend she was ok for Ka Koubun. Instead she stayed trapped in her rooms as ghosts haunted her every move.

_Stupid whore. Useless. Pathetic. Every inch of you is disgusting, go kill yourself._

Kougyoku wanted to scream in reply to the voices. " _Don't you think I know that! I've known that since I took my first breath. I wouldn't be here otherwise, so please, please, PLEASE GO AWAY!"_

But they wouldn't and she realized they probably couldn't. So her waking hours were spent either in the deafening silence or eating.

Ka Koubun had always been good about making her eat. Often she'd find a bowl of rice or some other nourishment next to her as she woke.

She'd eat it, despite the nonexistent taste. The voices said it'd be better if she was dead, but Kougyoku knew Ka Koubun would break just like her if she ever died.

And she couldn't bear to shatter someone so carelessly.

One time she woke up and found there was no snack next to her. Normally she'd simply go back to sleep, but a hunger she still had not gotten used to persisted.

Tentatively, she stood up and did something she had only done a few times. She left her room. In fact she did more than that. She continued to shuffled through the wooden house a peeked her red head outside. There she saw Ka Koubun, shirtless and sweating, working away.

Like a child, she gazed at him, only wondering now what he did while she was lost in her own mind. He did care about her, but Ka Koubun was rarely ever good with emotions. He knew how to patch a wound and how to wipe tears from someone's face, but his healing was only physical. He couldn't heal the mind or a soul like he could a broken bone.

"Gyoku?" She wanted to scurry back to her room, but it was as if her feet were glued to the floor. "Are you hungry?"

Kougyoku nodded repeatedly. Talking seemed to take up so much energy, she prefered to communicate verbally as little as possible.

"It's almost lunch time, might as well break early." He grabbed his shirt and left the small field. 'Come on I'll make you something, he ruffled the tangled red mess that looked more like a rat's nest than a princess' hair.

She followed him as he gathered various ingredients, eyes wide and soaking up every detail. Some tea was made,and soon Kougyoku found herself picking at an assortment of cabbage, carrots and celery.

"The neighbors have been saying things." Ka Koubun sighed as he took a sip of tea. "There are various stories: we're outlaws, soldiers that deserted, nobles with a forbidden love, that's a popular."

"People always talk." Her words were clipped and short as she slowly lifted a fork to her mouth. It didn't surprise her at all. Her entire childhood was shaped by clandestine secrets and accusing whispers.

"True." He nodded in reply. Once again silence filled the air. Neither wanting nor willing to talk about the darkness lingering in the air, suffocating, stifling.

"The people here don't even seem to notice a rebellion has took place. When I mentioned the Witch-Queen ruling they acted surprise." Ka Koubun laughed, but it was forced and fake.

Kougyoku just stared blankly again. Did he think he was relying new information or something? That was why they chose this town she didn't even know the name of. No one would know of her sin. And best of all she wouldn't have to facts that her brothers were dead because of her. She could live this idyllic, dreamlike life of self-hate and loathing.

"I'm taking a nap." She pushed away her food, wishing to get rid of it's vile taste.

As she fell asleep, it occurred to her how she hated vegetables. Yet since her stay here she had been eating them indiscriminately. It was only today she had realized she hated them.

Kougyoku wanted to laugh. She could still feel something.

Instead only sobs followed.

* * *

The next day, or at least what she thought was the next day, rough hands shook her awake, breaking the only peace she ever got.

"Gyoku, time to wake up." Ka Koubun's voice was firm but she only hissed at the sunlight filtering through.

"Come on, you're going to work." He struggled to pull her to her feet, but Kougyoku scratched and clawed, almost taking his eye out.

"Gyoku, Gyoku, Gyoku! PRINCESS!" Ka Koubun shook her fragile frame. "Get a hold of yourself, you are not some filthy animal! You are royalty!"

"No I'm not!" She screeched, eyes wild and teeth bared. "I'm a worthless whore's daughter who couldn't save her family! Leave me alone!"

Punches flew, kicking, screaming. Kougyoku had grown frail after denouncing her title, but still she was the more skilled fighter of the two.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" She roared as she pinned Ka Koubun to the wall. She could smell the copper ting of blood spilt. Red red blood that haunted her dreams and slowly poisoned her mind. Under her, brown eyes were filled with fear, one that almost transcended fear of physical harm. It was filled with fear of losing one's soul when facing a monster of legends.

Pink eyes were animalistic in their ferocity. Ka Koubun was sure he'd be devoured when at a drop of a hat, the eyes turned melancholy again.

"What have I become?" Tears started pouring as Kougyoku fell to her knees.

"Princess…" Ka Koubun didn't know what to do, afraid of having to face that monster again. "Please, didn't you want to be happy? You won't find that in this room."

"I'll never find it. I don't deserve it."

"Then at least try to pretend you can." he bent down to get on her level. "My mother used to say when you are sad, work. When you feel like taking a life, work. When you feel like taking your own life, work. Work to take your mind off such trivial things as emotions."

Kougyoku looked at him through her bangs, now long and almost covering her eyes completely. It was eerie how similar her appearance was to when they had first met.

"Fine." She spat out the word like a curse. "Fine, fine, fine fine, fine." She stood up with a strange look in her eye.

"Let's play pretend then."

* * *

And so they did. Every morning, Ka Koubun pulled her out of bed and feed her breakfast. Then they'd farm, something utterly foreign to her. Callouses soon developed on her pale hands, in places different from those from a sword.

Kougyoku would try and fail and try again and fail once more. In her past life she'd cry but Kougyoku felt nothing. Instead she would listen to Ka Koubun's patient instructions.

After a few months, she became proficient enough. And so they'd carry water from the well and plow and request seeds from the main store and do anything to fit in. People now smiled at Kougyoku, though they were fake and forced. At first they called her Red, but when Kougyoku broke down at the word they moved to the nickname Yingzi: shadow.

And then they'd break for lunch, but soon they'd go back to work. And then they'd break for dinner and go to bed. Kougyoku knew he was trying to tired her so much, the voices wouldn't speak. it didn't work though, they never stopped.

_Stupid whore. Waste of space. Useless princess._

She knew the names backwards and forwards. If she wanted to she probably could sing a sick lullaby using them.

But she couldn't hurt Ka Koubun. After cracking worse than Kouha had ever, she knew her breaking must take place in silence.

So she became a doll. Sit there like a pretty little thing. When people say hello, you reply with a small wave. Wash, rinse, and repeat. When people asked if you were ok say,

"I"m fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine." Say it til it doesn't even sound like a word. They say the more you tell a lie, the more it starts to become true. Whoever they are.

Ka Koubun stopped bugging her after that. Whether he was too blind to see the truth, or too powerless to change anything it didn't matter. Each day they played this twisted game, rambling about nonsense such as peace and happiness.

But Kougyoku wasn't strong enough to keep up the charade. One night the dam broke and Kougyoku couldn't stop herself.

She ran out onto the porch, into the warm summer air, and yelled. She yelled and roared, trying to feel something, or maybe to stop feeling so much.  Only once her throat was sore did she stop. It surprised her half the village wasn't awake, but in the end it didn't matter.

"Will I ever escape my past?" She pleaded an invisible god, perhaps the one that was Aladdin's father.

"Looks like you won't, Gyoku." Kougyoku turned to the familiar voice in shock.

Red eyes overwhelmed her and she screamed.


	2. Year 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kougyoku no longer was stuck living in her damaged mind, but now she lived in a nostalgic fantasy

Five minutes later, Kougyoku had still not stop shaking from the shock. Judal now sat across from her, looking bored as Ka Koubun scurried around to make some tea for them. After he gave her that scare, he had not uttered a single world and it made her feel uneasy. How did he find her? Does anyone else know of her broken paradise? Oh god will he force her to go back to that hell decorated with silk and lies?

Before more questions could plague her, Ka Koubun laid a cup before her and Judal.

"You have a lot of nerve showing your face around these parts, so I suggest you apologize to my princess and explain yourself before I throw you out." All the pleasantries and pretty words court had taught him were gone, replaced by a sharp bluntness for the man that partly caused his princess' state

"I'm surprised you still have balls, eunuch. I thought you were little more than a castrated dog to the Ren Family."

Ka Koubun flinched at the crude statement, however he remained in control. "You're one to attack my manhood, now speak, you've done enough damage just by showing your face here."

"Fine, fine," He sighed, but something seemed off about his words. They were still disrespectful and laid-back, but they lacked a certain feeling behind them. "I wasn't looking for little Gyoku, the others all think you're dead except for Sinbad. Though he's probably just trying to give Alibaba some false hope that-"

"Your point?" Kougyoku spoke up. She always hated the caustic way he made everything worse. She felt like she'd scream if he didn't stop his little game.

"I wasn't looking for you. I just happened to be passing through and heard you screaming like a banshee. You're nothing special."

"What even brings you to Xiaoshi?" Ka Koubun asked. "Has your little king won?"

"Hakuryuu's dead." The news hit her like a racing cart. Hakuryuu, her bitter younger cousin that cried as much as she did, was gone? She hadn't reacted like this when her own flesh and blood perished but still she felt a strange weight on her chest. It didn't matter that he had betrayed them, Kou protected their own to the end. But now he was gone.

"So you ran like a coward, huh?"

"Don't you dare insult me, eunuch," Judal growled. "I am Kou's sacred oracle, raise your voice again and I'll cut out your tongue."

"Status means nothing here, boy," He answered coolly. "Kougyoku is as much as a princess as you are an oracle."

Kougyoku braced for another verbal assault, but instead only silence followed.

"Guess you're right," Judal finally replied after what felt like an eternity. "After all," He grinned. "What type of oracle can't command the rukh?"

"What?" Kougyoku was the first to react. "How could that happen?" Since she had met him, magic had defined Judal's existence. Imagining a Judal without magic was like imagining the world with a sun, simply impossible.

"Your guess is as good as mine," He shrugged in reply. "During Hakuryuu's last battle, everything went wrong. I watched him die," His voice lingered at this. "Once I knew he was really gone, I got away as fast as I could. However I was so low on magoi once I got away I passed out. Then I woke up and poof," He imitated a small explosion. "The rukh wouldn't listen, neither the white nor the black. I have nothing left anymore."

His expression remained neutral, but Kougyoku could see the cracks he had tried to hide. What was a Magi without the rukh? What was the years among those strange Al Thaman people for, or the rebellion he had launched with her dead cousin? He was so caught in his own world of troubles, he couldn't see her's.

And something about that calmed her restless mind.

"So if you didn't want to harm my princess, what brought you to Xiaoshi when you clearly don't belong?" Ka Koubun spoke up, demanding and pushy.

"Where is a useless pawn like me supposed to be?" His red eyes had practically turned feral. "I lost my king and purpose. He was the only person who didn't want me dead. I have nothing left anymore. I set off to reclaim as much as I could by visiting my village."

"Then why aren't you there?"

"It's gone as well," A heavy silence followed his words. "The brat magi had told me the same, but I thought… I thought  _something_  might as least be there. I was dead wrong."

"So what now?" Kougyoku was enchanted by his story. Maybe because it was something to take her mind off of her own suffering. Maybe it's because Kou's oracle had been the only child worse off than her.

"I don't know. Nothing."

Ka Koubun let out a sigh of relief at that. "Then you won't breathe a word of our location to anyone else?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Good. There's an inn in town where you can spend the night. I can give you directions—"

"No!" She interrupted. "You can't do that!"

"Why?" Ka Koubun raised an eyebrow. This was the most emotion he had seen out of her in a long time.

Kougyoku was at a lost for words. She wished to escape her failure, but here was someone who knew of it yet didn't mind. He didn't care, didn't care about her at all, and that was a strange relief. Here was proof she wasn't as broken and despised as she thought, and she couldn't let that slip through her fingers.

"Kou protects their own," She firmly replied. "And we can make a profit from keeping him around."

"I don't have anything valuable," Judal drawled.

"Yes you do," She worked up as much courage as she could and looked him straight in the eye. "You have information from the outside world. For every question you answer, you earn a night here. Deal?"

"You always had a strange fascination with games, Gyoku. I guess I won't mind playing this one as well."

"Alright then," She took a deep breath. "First question: out of my siblings, who have we lost?"

"Can't say for sure," Judal shrugged again. "Koumei is well, but I'm unsure about Hakuei and Kouha. They were injured but I'm unsure about the severity of their wounds. However Kouen is definitely dead," A cruel smile flirted across his lips. "I saw Hakuryuu inflict the killing blow myself."

"I see," This time, the tears fell fast and hard as grief overwhelmed her. "Ka Koubun, make him a room. I'm tired." And Kougyoku once again sought refuge in her dark paradise.

* * *

Somehow, Judal slipped into the little life Ka Koubun and Kougyoku had carved for themselves. For the first month or so, he lazed around the house, barely eating anything except for a few scraps. He wasn't like Kougyoku had been, trapped in his own world, but rather simply lazy it seemed. The others would farm and work while he watched with a bored expression. However if Ka Koubun snapped and told him to do a task, he'd comply without complain. It was as if Judal had lost all the passion and fire that keep him interested in this world.

However at night when Kougyoku put on her old robes and asked him questions, he turned back into his old self again. He was cruel, mocking, and sarcastic, but Kougyoku found comfort in his familiarity. She still was far too aware of her brokenness.

_Stupid whore. Waste of space. Useless princess._

The words still stung, but she embraced then fully. However around Judal she could distract herself as Ka Koubun had asked her to.

She used her old terms of endearment for him, started trying to comb her hair again, and put on fake smile. She worked so hard to recreate the old days, when she wasn't always so tired and lonely.

"Tonight I have a question for you," Judal interrupted her as she started to speak. "It's only fair after the weeks of material you've loaded off on me."

"I guess you're right," To be honest half of her questions were an excuse to keep him in town. While there were many lingering inquiries in her mind, Kougyoku knew he could be frightening even without magic.

_That's assuming he isn't lying and planning on using you in the civil war somehow._

It was irrational, Judal was never one to lie, but the fear lingered in the back on her mind. She would sooner slit her throat than go back to that hell.

"Why did you abandon your family and run away?" The question caused her to flinch. She knew the consequences of her actions, but having them voiced by someone else was rather unnerving.

"I couldn't handle the pressure," Kougyoku whispered in reply.

"But I thought you loved them? Even at your worst you always gushed about your family."

"Please stop," She whimpered in protest.

"You were a valuable resource with Vinea. And now you don't use your metal vessel anymore."

"I said stop."

"You had it all. You were needed. You were wanted. Why did you—"

"SHUT UP!" Before she knew it, Kougyoku had pinned Judal to the nearest wall. It frightened her how she had lost control, but he didn't seemed fazed at all.

"You have the same eyes as him," Judal murmured to himself. "A sweet exterior hides the same madness and desperation you have. You could have had it all. Why do hide away like a scared rabbit when you could soar like a hawk instead?"

Kougyoku couldn't take it. She let go of him as the tears starting streaming down her face again.

"Why do you always say such horrible, horrible things, Judal?"

"Why do you expect anything else from a monster like me?" He replied as he stood over her, cold and emotionless. "I won't indulge in the sweet lies you crave."

* * *

You'd think after such horrifying conversations Kougyoku would stay away. But no, she was drawn like a moth to a flame to him. She continued to stay up late at night, trying to recreate the past they both shared. It was something to connect her to this world, and besides if she didn't reach out to him, Judal would still be lazing around with no purpose.

_Though he seems content to, unlike you did._

"Hey Judal, remember when—"

"That reminds me of that day—"

"You used to always—" Kougyoku no longer was stuck living in her damaged mind, but now she lived in a nostalgic fantasy. She hardly cared if Judal remember the memories she brought up or if the the memories themselves were real. While the past was the source of her pain, it was much preferable to the present.

"Do you remember when I first got my metal vessel?" Kougyoku yawned as she gazed up at the oracle.

"Nope," He picked up another peach and and took a bite.

"It wasn't that long ago, I was only fifteen. And I remember you had stolen a peach just like that from the tree next to my room!" She smiled as she tried to jog his memory.

"Don't care," Judal threw the pit over his shoulder. "Why do you even care?"

"Well that was when I—"

"I don't mean the stories you keep yammering about. I mean me," He ran a hand through his hair, "I'm the reason you're stuck in this pathetic town."

"It was a matter of time," Kougyoku sighed. "Things had been bad in Kou for years. And even with my engagement, I was gonna crack sooner or later." It was sad but true. Alibaba was one of the best things that had ever happened to her, but he couldn't have made her any less of a whore's daughter. While they had similar backgrounds, he had been the golden child of Balbadd, a perfect leader in the making. But Kougyoku hadn't been favored, despite what Judal might think. She had worked herself to the bone to be noticed, and in the end it didn't matter. A life of isolation made it impossible for her to adapt to court life. The pressure just made her situation even worse, knowing how everyone was talking about her behind her back. And Alibaba was kind, but he was not observant. He could never see what was right before him, not Hakuryuu's descent, that Fanalis girl's affection, nor Aladdin's hidden turmoil. He wouldn't have been able to save her.

"Even so, why are you so stuck in the past?" He yawned as he twirled a strand of hair around his finger. "It's not like you were a little ray of sunshine."

"It's not as if you're that much better than me," She didn't mean to sounds so sarcastic, but those words came out before she could stop them. "Besides I was happy then, those years after Ka Koubun, but before this mess started. And you were too! Can't you remember?"

"I've never been happy."

"Don't lie, I've seen you happy before."

"If I was, it wasn't around you. Only my king made me close to happy."

"What was so special about Hakuryuu?"

"You don't understand. You bitch about loneliness and insanity but don't know what those things are truly like. Only one person came close to understanding a monster like me and now he's—" Suddenly Judal stopped in the middle of his rambling, a blank expression replacing his earlier scowl. "I forgot what I was saying," He laughed, but it only came out empty and fake. "Guess that's why I can't remember a single damn thing you talk about."

But Kougyoku knew better than that. She was naive, not stupid. These "memory issues" hadn't been around when he was young, when he still had a chance of being saved.

"You loved him didn't you?" The way he talked about Hakuryuu was all too familiar.

"Why does matter if I did or not?" Red eyes held a strange sadness to them. "A king marries a princess and occasionally a commoner girl. Never an oracle."

"Even so, did he love you?"

"Some days I thought so," Judal grew serious for the first time in a long time. "He had a thing for a Fanalis bitch that traveled with the brat Magi. But when he looked at me after we slayed the Witch Queen, I thought...It doesn't matter, a monster like me can't love. The only thing I love is power."

Something inside Kougyoku shifted at that statement. Since her brothers' death, she had rarely felt anything for someone besides herself. Judal didn't want sympathy but after piecing together Ka Koubun's tale, she couldn't help but feel so.

"Judal..."

"And that's why I despise you most of all," His words caused her to flinch again. "You're nothing but a weak, whiny waste of space. Get out of my sight."

Without thinking, Kougyoku did as she was told, her movements stiff and awkward. It was only once she was in her room did she realize she was crying.

But for who?

* * *

After that, Kougyoku put even more work into recreating the past. It became almost an obsession of her's. The parts of her still whole questioned her motivation for doing so. But Kougyoku didn't know herself. All she knew was that she had to do something, or risk losing her one chance to keep from cracking completely.

"I don't understand how he makes you happy," She looked up to see Ka Koubun standing in the doorway of her room. "He would kill you in a heartbeat, but you still cling to him like he's some hero."

"That's not it, let me expla—"

"There's no need for that," He walked over to her and plucked the brush from her hand. "Before  _him_ , you didn't care if you wasted away. I tried everything to heal you but I was powerless. What is it about his insults and sneers that makes you want to live now?" He sucked in some air as he ran the brush through her red hair.

"He reminds me of back then, when everything was ok."

"Princess you're wearing some rose colored—" Kougyoku stiffen up at his words. "My apologies, Gyoku," He corrected himself. "The past is a dangerous thing. It eats people whole and cuts them off from any future they could have."

"I have no future."

"Every living thing has a future, that's the nature of time. You're playing with fire by telling yourself those lies."

"Maybe I am..." She sighed. "But I much rather get burned than feel nothing at all."

* * *

So Ka Koubun gave her his blessing to dive deeper into this new madness. After a long day of work, she would put on change from her village clothes and run to find the broken Magi. He seemed to not care anymore about her presence, but Kougyoku still clung desperately to try to get the old Judal back permanently.

"What do you want?!" She finally asked one night, desperate raw for the world to see.

"I want you to see the truth. That this is pointless," Judal drawled.

"It's not pointless if it makes me feel something besides self-hatred. You wouldn't understand, always acting like a god with no owners or rulers."

"I don't know of self-hatred?" Kougyoku could practically see the barely contained rage. "You had people care about you: Ka Koubun, Alibaba, even Kouen and Hakuei thought fondly of you."

"But that's only a small number compared to the thousands of commanders in Kou who despised me."

"Despised you?" He gave a sardonic laugh. "You may have a whore for a mother, but that did not make people despise you. How many did you kill? How many lives did you ruin? People can only despise things that frighten them, and you, Gyoku, aren't frightening at all."

Something in her snapped at that. Kougyoku had slaved to be treated like a warrior, so that she could matter. In fact  _he_  had been one of the first to notice her strength. And now he was spitting in her face in disrespect of all she had done. She, who had gone toe to toe with Sinbad, one of the most powerful fighters in the world. She,  _who saved his life_ , when Aladdin's djinn was this close to taking it.  _Who was he to talk?!_

A fire in her soul that had long gone out had been lighted again. She knew who she was, what she was.

_Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space._

But she was not weak. He would pay for his disrespect.

Immediately, Kougyoku stormed out towards her room. She had wanted to avoid drudging up bad memories, but he gave her no choice. A quick search through her belongs revealed what she was looking for. Tentatively, she picked up the case that held her hairpin. It was the biggest connection she had to her old life but also the biggest connection to her pain. With a flick of the wrist, she could show just how frightening she really was, even beyond the darkness of her mind.

"Don't open that!" She felt Judal tackle her to the ground, causing the case to fly out of her hands. Kougyoku growled in response and flipped him over so she was the one with power.

"Why because your scared?" She roared at him. "Are you scared of what I can do? Is that why you put me down despite how hard I try to make us feel  _something?_ "

"Shut up and listen to me!" Judal grabbed her wrists, holding them so tight they hurt. "Something's up with that case. Those aren't rukh I'm familiar with."

"What are you talking about?" The ferocity was drained from her features, replaced with wary curiosity.

"I don't know, give me a chance to figure it out," He replied as if answering a child. With a huff, Kougyoku slid off of him, but she did not let down her guard for one second.  

Meanwhile Judal picked up the case and played around with it, testing the weight of it in his hands. It seemed utterly foolish to her, but Kougyoku wasn't well versed in the way of the rukh. She had never studied them like Kouen did.

At the memory of her dead brother, a sharp pain filled her chest. It only stopped once Judal spoke up,

"I recognize these rukh."

"I thought you said—"

"I know what I said!" Judal snapped. "But this type I've seen. The Witch Queen used them for her dolls, but Hakuryuu and I stopped them from spreading news of our rebellion."

"What are they for?"

"Spying," Red eyes grew somber. "They relay images and sounds to the owner."

Kougyoku couldn't believe her ears. She had never heard of magic like this. How did these rukh end up in her metal vessel? It seemed to be a similar power to Hakuryuu's second metal vessel, but she couldn't think of who would have such a horrible power.

Unless...

No it couldn't be! She never thought she had a chance, but those sweet words and kind gestures were lies? But the facts were clear.

"Wait a second, it's been years, but I know whose these rukh are from, they're—"

"Sinbad's," They said the king's name at the same time. Slowly, Kougyoku could feel herself go numb. She hadn't just betrayed her family once but twice. To know  _he_  had seen everything, stealing secrets away like a thief in the night. It was if he had defiled her, tainted the purity she valued so much. Before this war broke her completely, she would have screamed and put his head on a pike, but now she barely feels anything but the sensation of falling, falling into the jaws of a beast.

From faraway, she could hear Judal speaking as if nothing was wrong.

"It's just a guess, but it looks like information hasn't been relayed in a while," He let out a sigh of relief. "Just keep the hair pin from touching you, and that fucker won't see a thing." With that, he moved to go back to his quarters.

"That's it?!" She spun around to catch him, but her legs grew weak and she collapsed to the ground.

_You betrayed your family twice._

_You betrayed your family twice._

_You betrayed your family twice you stupid whore, useless princess, waste of space._

On and on they chanted, like a twisted drumming song in her head. She needed something, anything, to pull her back to reality.

"Judal..." It came out in a whisper as she reached for his figure, like an infant grasping at whatever they can.

The Magi looked back at her, eyes dead and passive.

Then he walked quickly out of her room, leaving Kougyoku alone.

Again.

* * *

The question games ended after that. Ka Koubun had wanted to gut Judal himself when he found Kougyoku in her state, but she had protested otherwise. Too loyal to disobey but too angry to simply stand by, he had finally put Judal to work full time in the fields with them.

The results were mixed to say the least. As a Magi, Judal had never needed to do much physical work, but he had a firm body and he soon adjusted to farm-work. They were able to sell half their crop that season and even got to buy a goat for milk. Things couldn't be any better if she ignored the fact she was dead inside.

But it wasn't as simple as that. Though Kou never got as hot as Balbadd or Sindria, summers were still sweltering. Often workers wore as little clothing as possible to avoid heatstroke, and Judal did the same. It was only then did she realize one of the reasons why she had been drawn to him before.

From the time she could understand what the word "whore" actually meant, Kougyoku had tried to avoid becoming her mother. She covered every inch of her skin, she never let herself be caught alone with a man in private, and she made sure to keep her thoughts pure as snow. She made sure to be the most innocent maiden Kou had ever seen.

But as she matured into a young woman, it became harder to stay a childlike in her naivety. To never long for rough lips against hers or hands tangled in her hair. And part of the reason for her treacherous yearnings was  _him._

Him and his hot breath and bare skin. His wicked smile and overwhelming scent. It was his black rukh that seduced her, the black magic that made her want things she couldn't have. It must have been. The only good thing that had come out of Judal's descent into madness was that he ignored Kougyoku. It let her try to recover her pure mentality that locked away such scandalous thoughts.

When she met Sinbad though, any attempts of staying innocent was gone. But Sinbad was a king, and her fascination with him existed beyond the physical and into the romantic. A suitable first love to blush like a fool over. He was much better than the Magi she used to call friend.

The memory of the traitor king caused a shiver to travel down her spine. Ka Koubun knew nothing of the situation. The thought of telling him was too terrifying, admitting how she was played and manipulated like a puppet on a string. Soon though, her thoughts traveled back to the problem before her.

Now Judal was stirring up old desires she thought she had suppressed—ones she had forgotten she had suppressed. Now he would work so close to her, she could feel his heavy breathing. In a moment of weakness Kougyoku would want to lean up and devour him whole, so she could feel  _something_ beside broken and numb. But then she would come back to her senses. Kougyoku didn't want to be a princess anymore, but she would  _never_  become a whore like her mother.

So she suffered in silence. At the wave of her hand she could get Ka Koubun to throw him out, but she didn't want to go back to the constant taunts.

_Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space._

Judal made her feel angry. He made her feel lust and hate and so many other things she had tried to stay away. But all of it was preferable to the emptiness she had inside.

* * *

Eventually, Ka Koubun picked up the tension between them. He thought it was mostly related to the times he had made her cry, (He'd never see her as anything but the young girl he found hiding away in the dark) and begged her to let them get rid of the Magi. Still Kougyoku was adamant.

"Look at how much he made in a year," She pointed to the goat they had named Quien jokingly. "Imagine how things will be next year?"

"That's assuming he doesn't drive you mad by then."

"Please, remember what I said?"

"I know what you said, but it doesn't make me feel any better," He huffed. "Especially with the fact I'm leaving you alone with that  _thing_ , tonight. Are you sure you don't want to visit the merchant in Ruan with me?" Brown eyes held nothing but concern.

"I'll be fine," Kougyoku smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

With a sigh, he kissed her head before leaving for his journey.

For the next few hours, Kougyoku stayed in her room. She knew it was dangerous to tempt fate. She was practically begging to be bombard mentally with those insults again. Still, she couldn't move much with  _him_  around. And with fall's cooling breeze settling in, outside was out of the question.

So Kougyoku busied herself by sewing, a hobby she had meant to pick up, but always forgot. It was harder than the grandmothers made it look. She told herself she would make Ka Koubun a scarf by the time the winter festival rolled around, despite the fact she barely knew what to do. Just do your best. Isn't that what the old Kougyoku wold say?

In the midst of her musing, she pricked her finger for what felt like the thousandth time. Red, red blood oozed out, and Kougyoku had to will herself to not go back to that day.

_Bandages, in the kitchen._

Quickly, she rushed out. When she arrived, the kitchen was in a mess, dishes and utensils thrown around. But that wasn't important, no she needed to get rid of that vile smell.

After examining several drawers, she finally came to the one she needed. With a sigh of relief, Kougyoku wrapped the gauze around her finger, binding it as tightly as she could without hurting herself.

Then, a crash came from behind her, and Kougyoku turned to see Judal wandering around.

"Did you cause the mess?" She spoke with no emotion.

"I was hungry."

"An adult that can't even feed himself?" She twisted the words like a knife, deeper into his body.

_Let me hurt you like you hurt me._

She didn't care to admit she had been warned about the oracle or that Sinbad's ploy would emerge sooner or later. Or the fact that he didn't control her attraction towards him. Kougyoku was tired, so tired, but a new bitterness was starting to show as well.

"And the 8th princess of Kou can cook?" His challenge brought her back down to earth.

"Don't call me by my title," She snapped in reply.

"Scared of someone overhearing? It's not like you picked up a new name or something."

"I did, kinda: Gyoku," It only occurred to her then that they did not inform Judal of the nickname. He had been using it regularly almost from the start.

"That old thing I called you?" He raised an eyebrow in question.

Kougyoku didn't want to explain why. They're weren't just logical reasons for the nickname, emotional ones lingered as well. Besides the simplicity of it, she cherished the name he gave her. It lacked the the chain that tied her to Kou. It was someone else for her to be than besides the whore's daughter and bastard of the Emperor.

_Don't forget Sinbad's little fool._

"Food sounds good," She tried to change the topic. To be honest, she didn't know much about cooking either, but she could try to at least fake it.

First she straighten the room up, hoping to make Judal eventually grow bored and leave or something. That was not the case unfortunately. He continued to sit and stare at her, as if unsure what else to do, red eyes barely blinking. It made her want to throw a plate at him for reminding her of things supposed to be long gone. Instead Kougyoku put of the most forced smile ever and started to scrounge around the kitchen. Ka Koubun had a special system to sorting things, but luckily he realized she'd get hungry. Set aside was a pan of rice and various fruit.

"Here we go," A few minutes later, she placed two plates of rice and kumquats on the table. Kougyoku knew the combination was ridiculous, but now was not the time to admit that.

"I hate kumquat," Judal sniffed as he pushed the plate away.

"No you don't, they were one of your favorite foods."

"Maybe, but I can't stand them now."

"You don't just grow to hate your favorite foods, it just doesn't work—"

"Yes it does!" Judal practically exploded as he stood, anger unbridled. "Everything changes. Why does it take a stupid, little girl like you so long to understand?"

"I'm sorry for  _trying_ , to help you in some way. After losing people I love, I was a mess who couldn't feel anything—"

"I don't want to deal with your problems!"

"I'm helping you in the process!"

"Are you?" He leaned in so close, their breath intermingled. "Since day 1, I've been trying to feel  _less,_ emptiness is nothing compared to the pain I've endured, whore."

"Really, you call me whore?" For the first time, Kougyoku laughed at the word. "You with your scandalous amount of skin and seductive eyes. You're more of a whore than I am," She cupped his face instinctively, and beneath her, he grew very still.

"I worked so hard to remain a pure maiden with pure thoughts and a pure mind, but you and your black rukh try so hard to do the very opposite," She climbed on the table without breaking eye contact. In the back of her mind, she knew the black rukh had nothing to do with it, but a scapegoat was needed beside her tainted blood.

"I'm so tired of keeping up this charade. I'm tired of trying to be a perfect princess, normal villager, or whatever I am now."

_I've never gotten what I wanted. Never._

Any last restraints broke as Kougyoku leaned down and kissed him, hungrily devouring the taste of his chapped lips. She knew it was stolen, forced, and evil. He like Ka Koubun preferred balls to flowers, but Kougyoku couldn't bring herself to care.

Tentatively, she drew back, not quite ashamed, but not quite proud of her actions. It had been damning to let her desires rule so freely, but wasn't she already condemned as it was?

Judal remained quiet, not looking at her. She couldn't imagine his disgust at her. So Kougyoku tried to pick up the last pieces of her honor and leave.

However, as she stepped down from the table, Judal hooked his arm around her waist, pulling her into his embrace. He kissed her, twice as passionately and recklessly. It was a combination of heaven and hell, pure torture and bliss.

They drew apart again, and Kougyoku saw no love in Judal's eye. None of the fake flattery of Sinbad though or even the gentle kindness of Alibaba.

She was sealing her fate by doing this, but regardless Kougyoku pushed him down as they tried to drown in each other.


	3. Year 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’d go back to looking for a solution, a sanctuary, or just something in the other’s body. Whatever it was they were looking for, they never found it.

A few hours later, Kougyoku awoke from her slumber, dizzy and confused. However her memory came back to her quickly. At the realization of what she had done, Kougyoku felt like vomiting. Instead she only cried softly at the fact she had ruined the last twenty-three years of her life.

"Shut up," Judal yawned as he sat up, braid undone and a mess. "What's bothering you this time?"

"I thought I could escape my fate, but the whore's daughter became a whore. I'm no different than my mother,"

_Everything you wanted to avoid._

"That all?" He cocked his head to the side. "You crying over not being so _cute_ , and  _pure_ , and _perfect_?"

"Shut up," She growled at him. "You don't know what it's like being born a woman in this world," Her stare was icy cold. "One slip-up and your life is ruined. All those who pretended to love you and care about you, throw you out to feed you to the wolves. It was hell being around you and your sinful nature back then because-" Her voice started to falter.

"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow at her last sentence. "Little Gyoku had a crush on me?"

"Since you were so willing to taint my only prized possession, you must have felt the same."

"Back then, hell no," Judal snorted. "Do you think I ever knew love under Al Thamen? Do you think I was raised to believe in devoting your life to someone and sacrificing everything for them?"

"You ended up loving my cousin and doing just those things."

"My love is only a shadow of the word. It is nothing like you dream of," He leaned in so their lips were only a breath apart. "It's is hungry and taking, never giving, It will leave you abandoned on the side of the road. It will ruin you and destroy everything."

"But hasn't the world already done that to me?" Kougyoku laughed as she inched closer, making the distance between their bodies almost nonexistent.

"Look at the whore's daughter embracing her role." His words sparked fear into her and she leaped away. That sent Judal into a fit of laughter, and for a second he seemed like the Judal of the past, the one she had tried so hard to find.

"You came to this mockery of village to escape the title Eighth Princess of Kou, did you not? Doesn't that also mean you're not a whore's daughter or failure anymore?'

The question shook her to the core. True she tried to make a new identity for herself, but the past haunted her every move. To do so had been impossible.

"If I forget everything, then what's left of me?"

"You're just one person-" He wrapped her arms around her and pulled her against his chest. "-and I'm just one person as well. So why don't we quit talking and get back to where we left off?" His voice sent shivers down her spine, and Kougyoku hated herself, for she knew he enjoyed it.

_Stupid wh-_

The voices were drowned out by the beating of her heart. The feeling of his bare chest overwhelmed her, thinking of anything else was impossible.

She leaned up and kissed him as if it was her dying breath. Her only wish was to bring mutual destruction upon themselves if this was to end in flames.

* * *

They made sure to go back to their separate rooms before Ka Koubun came home. Kougyoku went back to her poor attempt at knitting, and Judal went back to moping or doing whatever he did when she wasn't bothering him. Ka Koubun didn't suspect a thing. He just rambled about the spices he was able to purchase and other frivolous things.

It was so strange, in some ways her life had changed forever, but in others they stayed the same. She was tainted now, but there were no storms striking her down with lightning or ghosts of ancestors cursing her. Life just went on.

Kougyoku could have easily forgotten her moment of weakness if it wasn't for Judal coming to her room that next night.

He had been so quiet, like a cat slinking around. It took him coughing to make her look up from the disaster of a scarf. Kougyoku had to hold back from screaming when she saw those red eyes almost glowing in the darkness.

_Just like they had last year._

"What do you want?" She barked at him.

"Gheez, isn't it obvious? I thought you were up for fucking."

Kougyoku turned bright red as she backed away from him. "What made you believe that? And please don't use such vulgar language!"

Judal laughed at her request. "Find I thought since we  _consorted_  beforehand, and you seemed to enjoy it so much, you'd want to do it again. I mean that's what couples do, don't they?"

"I was taught that a man and a woman only make love after they marry."

"Well obviously I don't agree with either," He scoffed.

"And why are you calling us a couple? I thought your heart belonged to Hakuryuu."

"Just shut up," He closed the space between them. "I don't know much, but I know my body wants your's, and I'm pretty sure your body wants mine."  Kougyoku couldn't deny that without lying.

"I told you I don't want to be a whore," She snapped at Judal. "So keep your desires to yourself, or I'll get Ka Koubun to throw you out."

"Oh you will?" He raised an eyebrow. Before she could stop him, he cupped her face in his hand and pressed his body against her's. "You need to make up your mind, Gyoku.  After all you called yourself a whore after just one time? If that's the case, then it doesn't hurt to repeat the same sin twice, does it?"

Damn him and his twisted logic. He had been right, she wanted him and all the self-control she had gained over the years was failing her.

"Let's get this over with," And with those few words, Kougyoku sealed her fate.

* * *

The next day, Kougyoku awoke alone, cold, and confused like she had the day before. It took her a second til last night, the night before and everything else came back to her. Despite her expectations, Judal hadn't left after the deed was done. Instead he had pushed his face into her red hair as he pulled her close and fallen asleep. It was almost an affectionate gesture, strange coming from him.

Still she found herself waking up to the scene more and more. It became regular and soon not even a surprise. She never understood why she decided to keep participating in such damning action or why he always pushed his face into her hair.

But then none of their actions made sense anymore. She had wanted to avoid being a whore, yet started finding herself acting like the worst of them all. She regularly engaged in the sin she hated so much, yet acted like it wasn't her whose kisses were greedier and whose moans were louder. She'd curse his name as he pressed butterfly kisses down her body. She'd cry over her siblings once more after he rolled off her body. She had long given up trying to understand her actions.

That was a lie, she knew why she kept caught in this cycle every night. It kept her distracted. It silenced the voices. Ever since she had become a whore, they had plagued her much less. How ironic. She was using him but couldn't find it in herself to care.

But then he was using her as well. It took a few weeks to figure it out, but one night, Judal slipped up and awoke after her. It was such a rare occurrence, Kougyoku hadn't missed her chance to watch him sleep.

When Judal slept, he seemed an entirely different person. His features were fine and gave him a sort of delicate beauty when he wasn't sneering. Yet that wasn't what caught her attention. It was the barely audible sigh that slipped out.

"Ryuu." Less attentive people would have missed the name, but Kougyoku's senses were still sharp. And in a few seconds she was able to piece everything together.

He still mourned the lost prince. More importantly, he still lusted after him. When Hakuryuu fell, Kougyoku realized she did not know her cousin as well as she thought she did, but she did know that he was a man of honor. Whatever his feelings towards the oracle, he wouldn't engage in deviant sexual behavior. Not even the most innocent of gestures.

She was being used, plain and simple. Through her Judal could imagine he was with his beloved king vessel. Plus due to her sex, Judal didn't have to worry of facing problems that Ka Koubun had faced. Sure what they had was scandalous. Even before they had started this sick game, there had been whispers of how dare two single men live with a maiden. Still he wouldn't have to fear for his life or anything like that.

They were using each other for different means, but they all lead to the same end. Kougyoku wanted to find herself among the shards of her former life. Judal wanted to lose himself and forget he even existed.

* * *

It was easy to pretend everything is fine. It was easy to act like she complete now, everything was perfect. She had blamed her heritage for all the misfortune in her life, so now that she had finally accepted it she couldn't complain. She couldn't admit there is still an emptiness inside her that won't heal. It was not her place to worry everyone over it, well mainly Ka Koubun. He had looked after her for thirteen years, but these last two had been the hardest of all. She needed to smile through everything like she always did. Through Sinbad's betrayal, through her yearning for something she can't quite place, and through her wish to hide away.

All it took was a slight curve of the lips to make everyone happy. It was too easy. As the world died around her, she needed to hide the decaying pieces of herself for now.

* * *

In the blink of an eye, the winter festival was upon them. While the village was bustling and more lively than ever, things were quiet in their household. Of course Judal was disinterested in the whole affair, but Kougyoku wanted to make up for her the last two years she had ignored it. Ka Koubun was too good for her sometimes, no always.

Her scarf had turned into a blanket, which Kougyoku thought would be alright. Her only problem was keeping it hidden. Still Kougyoku was excited for the first time in a long time. For once she wasn't pretending or acting. She wanted to do this right. When the festival came around, she woke up bright and early with the blanket in hand. She ran into the kitchen to find him already up and brewing morning tea.

"Welcome to Winter!" She cheered as she threw the blanket around his shoulders. "I made you this!"

"Nearly scared the daylights out of me Gyoku," He held a hand against his heart. "I'm surprised you were up so early."

"I wanted to celebrate with you as a thank you for everything you do."

Brown eyes softened at those words. "That's awfully sweet of you. I don't have anything planned, but if you wait a minute, I have a surprise for you."

Kougyoku smiled for the first time in a while, and it was a real one. With a new spring in her step, she sat down at the table. Soon Ka Koubun followed her with the blanket still draped over his shoulders.

"Do you think he is going to join us?" He nodded his head in the direction of Judal's room.

"Pfft, I doubt he'll get up before lunch."

"Good," He sighed as he poured two cups of tea. It will be the just the two of us, like it has always been," With that Ka Koubun reached down into his pocket and pulled out a small package. "Open it."

Kougyoku complied, her smile growing bigger and bigger. She unwrapped the package and found to her surprise, a pairing of earrings with small rubies inserted into them.

"But how?" She looked up stunned and confused.

"I admit I flinched a few trinkets lying around the palace when preparing for a situation where we would be stranded from the others," He seemed to smile at his own cleverness. "I made sure they wouldn't be miss, silver plates and the like. Over the years since coming to Xiaoshi, I've sold them off when we needed a few coins, and this year for the winter festival I thought it might be nice to get you something pretty."

"They're quite lovely," She agreed, unsure what to say. "It's sad I won't be able to show them off to anyone else."

"Well I was just thinking..." He drew out the syllables as if the fact he waited a few seconds before continuing would make her not as upset over his idea. "...would it be so bad to go back to Rakushou?"

The words pierced her like an arrow through the heart. Breathing became so much more difficult and her head started to spin. All she wanted to do was scream, but Kougyoku kept her voice low if a bit shaky.

"How could even think that was a good idea?"

"I know you were greatly hurt by you brother's death," He spoke so causally as if that battle hadn't ruined her life. "But we got our deadbeat Magi to confirm it was only Kouen."

"That's the only death he was certain of."

"Details, details. And no matter what you say, there are people who love you back home: Hakuei, Kouha, Kouemi, and myself all care about you. You want to know who doesn't? Judal. I don't care what he says when seducing you but-"

"What?!" The question was this close to turning into a guttural roar. "You've known?!"

Ka Koubun started backing up from the table. "I apologize, I didn't know you meant to keep it a secret. But don't worry about me telling anyone else. That fiance of your's, Alibaba wasn't he, doesn't need to ever now about such a small fling."

"Do you even know me?" Kougyoku grew even angrier. "What have you done to the Ka Koubun that understood my pain?"

"I'm still the same Ka Koubun, but don't you understand that you had it all! You were a  _princess_ , but now you're nothing. But it doesn't matter what I think, what I feel because I'm  _stuck_  with you til I die!"

Kougyoku froze. Before there had been trembling anger but now there was nothing.

"I trusted you," She spat at him with tears running down before storming off into her room. With nothing else to do, Ka Koubun picked up the earrings he had given to her. With a grunt he threw them as far as he could before hanging his head in shame.

* * *

That night was no different from the others, Judal slinked in like a thief in the night. However when he slipped under the thick blanket with Kougyoku and snaked an arm around her waist, she instantly froze up.

"No sex," Her voice made the smallest of cracks and she hated herself for it. "I can't...not tonight."

"Why?" There was no bitterness or disappointment in his voice, only curiosity.

"Are we doing this? Having our first real conversation in what, weeks, months?" Kougyoku gave a sad laugh.

"Usually you're not in a chatty mood, to say the least."

"I can't remember you being talkative since you came to this hole in the ground." She doesn't want to spill everything to the rukhless Magi. She's given him her body, but he hadn't come close to unearthing all her personal demons.

_For the longest time he was one of them._

But this was a tiring existence, only able to talk to Ka Koubun, and even then only sticking to silly and frivolous things. She's not ready to become intimate with Judal, but going back to those nights where she would recreate the past, might not be the worst thing.

"He wanted me to go back to Rakushou," She spat the words out, unsure what else to do with them. "He knows and thought just because I have finally accepted my fate as whore, I was all better," Kougyoku sighed for she didn't know what else to do. "It's not that simple, no matter how much I want it to be."

Judal said nothing in reply, only giving a noncommittal grunt and staring at her with those red eyes. She expected as much though.

"Can you hold me tonight? I know I'm not Hakuryuu but-" Before she could finish, she felt him comply. She didn't feel safe in his arms or anything like she had dreamed with the traitor king. In fact his arms were too stiff and awkward to be comfortable. Still, just being able to experience physical contact helped calm her down.

It wasn't much after she was able to fall asleep.

* * *

The next morning, Kougyoku woke up as she always did, however this time she found Judal awake as well. This was strange to begin with, but what really made the thing so odd was the fact he looked like he had been waiting for her.

"The only time I lost my magic was when I was trapped in that weird place with Alibaba," His words must be directed at her, but he doesn't look at her for some reason. "I hated feeling that powerless, but I at least knew why I was like that. But now I'm back to being useless again."

"Judal-" But as she opened his mouth, he shot up and made his way out of her room.

_What was that?_

His attempt at connecting?

* * *

This time Judal didn't even try to be stealthy as he headed back to his room. It didn't matter anymore now that Ka Koubun knew about whatever they had. Besides he was more concentrated on keeping from rampaging through the house.

_What were you thinking?_

Judal hardly considered himself as being good at reading people, still Kougyoku was like an open book. Before he had easily satisfied her long repressed sexual needs, but now she hungering for affection. She wasn't getting it from that eunuch so she was reaching out to him, the monster. It was so idiotic. He was the last person she should have come for such a thing.

After he in a moment of weakness reveal his feelings for Hakuryuu, she had took it as a sign he wasn't the cold heartless bastard he was. But it wasn't the anything akin to what she had felt for Sinbad. He had been drawn to Hakuryuu's darkness. Kougyoku held that same darkness too, it had only taken a bit longer to manifest than Hakuryuu.

_What was my point?_

Oh right, the point was that Ryuu's darkness had morphed him into a fellow monster. Whatever this creature called Gyoku considered herself, she wasn't a monster. She wasn't a poison like he was, destroying everything he touched. Why didn't see understand that?

_When a monster longs for the same things as her, you can't help but wonder._

Damn it, damn it to hell and back. He get over these stupid ideas that she might be able to understand his torture. They were nothing alike. How many times did he need to tell himself til he finally got the idea. Just because back then they had both been hated children of the Royal Palace, doesn't mean they faced the same problems.

Not knowing what else to do, Judal grabbed a peach and tore into it like he was starving. He couldn't wait til spring, when he could distract himself from things better.

* * *

The ruby earrings weren't brought up the next, nor the day after that. Still Kougyoku couldn't find it in herself to forgive him so easily. She knew she was selfish. She had known that since the day they made the decision to run away. But Ka Koubun seemed to stop trying to understand her pain. And even if he didn't understand how much he wounded it her, it did not stop the hurt.

Besides he didn't seem to want to apologize, himself.

They went back to dancing around topics, pretending the tension between them was suffocating. She couldn't wait for this winter to end so they wouldn't have to so close to each other with this bad blood they shared. To stop from seeing those dark eyes so often, she went back to the pointless conversations she shared with Judal. It may not have been the best idea of her's. He was sharp when she needed gentleness. She was timid when he needed a brash soul. Plus with the fact that they had thrown subtlety out the window, arguments could turn explosive.

"You never shut up do you? You just talk, talk, talk. I can hardly hear myself think bitch!"

"I'm surprised you have the energy to complain! All you do is eat, sleep, and shit! You're nothing but a parasite!"

But in the end, despite how heated things became, they'd go back to how things had been before. They'd go back to looking for a solution, a sanctuary, or just something in the other's body. Whatever it was they were looking for, they never found it. Still it couldn't hurt to keep trying every night, could it? It was better than the lonely existence they both tried to escape.

* * *

"Why did you choose the nickname Gyoku?" He asked the question after the strange quietude that followed a session of lovemaking. It didn't matter if before there had been a volatile argument, or if she had scratched him so hard, red, red blood oozed out his back. Cold solitude would return, neither peaceful or upsetting, just there.

"I told you already. It was practical. I wasn't even thinking about you at the time."

"I understand that part, but while it hid your royal heritage, it drew you closer to the Witch Queen," He rolled over to face her, propping up his head with his left hand. "Why would you do anything that could remind you of that monster."

It had never occurred to her how similar their names were. Kougyoku. Gyokuen. Both referred to jewels, and were less than four letters apart.

"She didn't hurt me enough to poison the name for me."

"She just ruined people's lives."

"Yes but she barely laid an eye on me in the nineteen years I was around," Kougyoku sighed. "She mainly ignored me, like everyone else before I became a king vessel."

"But then they wanted you," Judal seemed distraught for some reason. "I saw the way the Kou sons treated you. You were their sister, your blood didn't matter at all. Besides you were far from the the one with the most messed up heritage."

"I know." Memories of them played out before her eyes. Kouen and Koumei's proud approval. Kouha's steady hand that kept her strong in her first battle. She had poured all her love into them. "If we hadn't gotten along, if I hadn't loved them so much, I wouldn't be here."

"Still you act like you were treated like dirt and there wasn't a single good thing in your life."

"That wasn't the case."

"Then why fall so far?" He looks genuinely confused and eager to receive an answer to his various questions. She wasn't sure how much she wants to reveal, but it was she who claimed talking helped people heal. She need to at least try her own advice to avoid being a hypocrite.

"I was happy," She started out in a quiet voice. "For a long time I was. I don't know when it started, the emptiness. It's not like you can pinpoint the day you first start to entertain the idea of hating yourself. I guess when a bit after this war started is the best date, when Hakuryuu didn't have you by his side anymore. Everything was so dark then. You and Alibaba were as good as gone, and there was so much blood and death. I guess it must have come then. Though for all I know there could be worldwide peace and I'd still feel like nothing but a stupid whore, useless princess, and waste of space," She had to take a deep breath before continuing. "But I kept going. I was needed. I couldn't let my siblings down. But then just like that they were gone. Now all I am is a broken shell of a girl who ended up being a puppet to the one I thought I loved and a traitor to my family."

He didn't respond to her little story, but Kougyoku wasn't sure she could take words at that moment. She need something real and physical to tie her to this world like she had after her argument with Ka Koubun. It was strange how similar things were to that night. The biggest difference was now she knew she wanted more of this, even if she couldn't pinpoint the reason why. Still she was insecure about asking for affection again, so instead she decided to just go on and hold onto Judal for dear life.

He was stiff in her arms, frozen like a corpse, just like he had been back then. But it wasn't love she needed. She need a warm, living body next to her, however cold it might be.

No it wasn't love they shared. It probably never would be. But Kougyoku didn't even know if she'd be able to love again after how many times her heart was broken. At least Judal didn't expect anything like that from her.

* * *

Spring finally came and everyone in the household seemed glad. There was planting to do, and soon they were working from sun up from sundown. But they also had Quien's milk now. And after the harvest season they had been able to sell her milk, so this year they could afford better equipment and higher quality seeds. Everything was going smoothly.

At least that's how it appeared to be. A new fear started to stir inside Kougyoku. One that no matter how hard she prayed, would not go away. Each day she hoped for a sign that she was wrong, but each day provided no such hope.

_How could you be so stupid? You're no better than a lifeless rock._

She was shocked by the reappearance of the insidious thoughts. It was so much harder going back to them after being free for so long. When it didn't matter how much of a whore she became with Judal, she grew worried. She needed to get rid of them as soon as possible, but the only way she could terrified her to the core. Still she became desperate.

After a hard day of work, before Judal could sneak away to his room, she sat the two men down in the kitchen and reviewed the pieces of evidence she had.

_A certain lack of red and several times I couldn't keep my breakfast down._

"I think I might be pregnant and I don't know what to do."


	4. Year 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She thought of her mother the most. She was many things to Kougyoku, the woman who tainted her blood, the woman who had forced her to become this neurotic mess, the woman who had cared for her in those early years before being taken away to who knows where.

Once her words finally set in, Judal was the first to react.

"Pregnant!?" He spat the word out like it was poison. "How in the-"

"I'm sure you know how, Judal. And don't you dare act like it is all my fault," Kougyoku snapped, eyes burning brightly. "You had as much a hand in this as I did!"

"Now's not the time for the blame game," Ka Koubun sighed as he preened himself, nervous energy evident, despite how he tried to remain calm. "What we need to do, is figure out how far along you are, and for you to decide what to do."

Her face widen in shock at his statement. "You're not gonna get rid of it?"

"Only if you wish to," His voice grew low. "Believe me, I am not at _all_ , happy about what you and the our broken Magi have done, but it is your body..." He seemed to be miles away from present day, with his dazed stare. "No one should decide what you should do with it but you."

"Are you seriously considering keeping it though?" For the first time, Judal looked genuinely frightened.

"Well I haven't really thought-"

"You can't keep it!" Judal leered over her, leaving barely any space between them. "That thing has my blood in its veins-"

"Are you trying to shame me, Judal, because-"

"All I bring is death," Red eyes held nothing but desperation. "My touch is toxic, there is no way there is anything but a demon spawn in your womb," Before she could react, he had already grabbed her shoulders and started to shake her. Hard. "Get rid of it!"

"Judal!" Ka Koubun roared, breaking the former oracle out of his trance. "Get your hands off of Kougyoku before I cut them off myself!" Suddenly the fear in his eyes was directed at Ka Koubun of all people. And even more surprisingly he complied to the threat. Still his eyes spoke of murder as he glared at the him.

"As Kougyoku said you had just as much a part to play in this matter as she did. If you didn't want to risk this, than you should have never stuck around us like you did."

Judal opened his mouth to reply, but seemed to hesitate for a split second. Instead, he turned back to Kougyoku with a strange mixture of fear and anger painting his features.

"Whore," This time he spat at her feet before storming off to his room. And Kougyoku, she didn't know what to do, what to say. She was so confused and scared and didn't know what else but turn back to the eunuch who had hurt her so earlier.

"I thought if anything, you would be the most upset," Her bangs fell in messy waves over her eyes. "The Whore's daughter followed in her mother's footsteps."

"My feelings don't matter," Brown eyes wouldn't meet her's either. "I meant what I said. They only person who should be in charge of your body is yourself," His words had quickly acquired a bitter twang. "No one should lay a hand on you without permission."

She still hadn't forgiven him for his insensitivity. It was thoughtless and cruel to expect her to simply get over an emptiness she had no control of. However, she felt herself needing to be grounded again. And after what Judal had done to her, she couldn't seek comfort from him.

"Thank you," Quietly she slipped her arms around him as she rested her head in the crock of his neck. "I really don't know what to do."

"When we first ran away, I told you I had no home besides you, and I meant it," He whispered in her ear. "No matter what, I'll stay by your side. We'll figure this out."

She really believed him. It felt so good so do that again.

* * *

Judal wanted to scream bloody murder. He wanted to roar til his lungs burst from exhaustion. Coherent thought at this time was almost impossible to maintain. All he could focus on was that he was responsible for the hell-spawn currently residing in Kougyoku's womb.

_If it isn't a monster like me, than it will be dead when it pops out. There is no way I could create life. No way anything from me won't end up the biggest mistake of our lives._

He ached to spill these thoughts to Kougyoku, to try to make her understand he was trying to save them, but Ka Koubun had been serious. Besides he had no where else to go. If luck was on his side, then Kougyoku could realize what a mistake she was making and then things could go back to normal.

_As if things ever go right for you._

The rukh danced before his eyes, tempting him and angering him all at the same time. Damn it, there was a reason for his lost of control during his time with that Alibaba, _why did they forsake him now?_ If they still followed him, then he could have killed them all for taking Ryuu from him. He would have never ended up in this backwoods excuse for a village. And even if fate dragged him here against his will, he then would have the power to kill Sinbad for touching one of his king candidates. He could have never lost control and been forced to listen to a spineless coward like Ka Koubun.

Without realizing it, he found himself rattling off spells, combination after combination that would chain together to create a beautiful explosion.

But the rukh did not waver in the slightest, and Judal was left alone to fully understand how powerless he had become.

* * *

Kougyoku thought long and hard about what Ka Koubun had told her. it was so strange to have control over her life for once. Those first few days she didn't even think about her pregnancy, still surprised for once she could decide her fate.

But when she found herself on her knees again spilling her guts, she realized that she would have to come to a decision sooner or later.

She thought of Ka Koubun first. His insensitivity still stung, but Kougyoku hadn't forgotten all he had done for her. To add another burden for him to carry would be horrible. Still even after escaping to this hell hole, he had not completely thrown away his selfish nature. He was neither a saint nor a sinner, and she shouldn't weigh the decision all on him.

Her thoughts drifted to Judal as well. He had reacted so violently. He had not touched her since then, but the memory was still strong. There was already one man in her life who thought her body was his. _The Traitor King saw everything as his to toy with as he pleased. How had she been so blind to his manipulative nature!?_ She didn't need Judal thinking he owned her womb more than she did. Still she wasn't the most eager to bear his child. He might not be wrong. For all she knew a monster could be stealing her life away as they spoke.

She thought of her mother the most. She was many things to Kougyoku, the woman who tainted her blood, the woman who had forced her to become this neurotic mess, the woman who had cared for her in those early years before being taken away to who knows where. Despite all this, Kougyoku couldn't remember much about her personality. Perhaps her mother had been like her even though she bared the title Whore instead of Princess. Perhaps the idea of bearing a child shock her to the core. The apple likely didn't fall from the tree considering their parallels situations.

Still unlike her, her mother had likely not had a choice of the matter. To snuff out a future Kou heir would be treason. Whether she liked it or not, she had been forced to push Kougyoku out into this world. If she had been given the choice, would her mother have decided to not go through with the pregnancy? Would she have done the deed and go back to her whoring ways, or would she have birthed Kougyoku?

It wasn't until the last day Kougyoku thought of herself. Did she want to be a mother? Once she was promoted to general, she had never seen herself as a future one. She had imagined herself to be too wrapped up in her duties to Kou to settle into an arranged marriage. And even while infatuated with the Traitor King, she had still valued her independence. She would carry out whatever action her brothers required of her with a smile, but if she could, she would have avoided marriage no matter what. Was she even fit to parent in her state? She was 24, but still felt so young.

Kougyoku had never concerned herself with Fate. She had decided long ago to live life as she normally would and accept whatever events destiny brought her. Maybe there was meaning for this pregnancy. Maybe a child was the only way she could right her wrongs. She was corrupted and broken, but her child could be pure despite their blood. Maybe if she took the role of mother, she could regain her honor after running away.

It is very selfish, but ever since she abandoned the Empire, Kougyoku had been nothing from that. As Judal had told her earlier, more of the same sin doesn't change anything if you were already damned.

When she announced her decision at dinner, Judal was visibly angry but didn't say a word. Instead he returned to his rice, eating with a great ferocity. Ka Koubun wasn't very approving either, yet he refrained from complaints as well.

"If that's the case, then we need to do some planning," He spoke matter of fact, as if this is just a campaign or something. "If we want the local midwife's help, then you two are going to have to marry before Gyoku becomes too obvious.

"I doubt that will salvage our reputations," Her words were dry and tired. "Before Judal even showed up, their were rumors about us. At this point I've been living with two single men for years. Marriage would be useless." The old Kougyoku would have never thought of that. Even with her love of independence, she had been a romantic at heart. Still this Kougyoku wasn't blind to the realities of the world anymore. She wouldn't take his hand when his heart belonged to someone else.

Red eyes gazed at her with a strange look, but she thought nothing about it. If he had something important to say, he should just say it and leave her out of it.

"A good point, Gyoku," Ka Koubun tapped his fan to his cheek. By now the warmth of spring was bleeding over into the heat of summer. "Still that means that Judal and I will have to research on our own how to take care of you and deliver the baby."

"What!?" In his shock, he slipped from his reclining position and fell.

"You heard me right. You were partially responsible for this mess, time to own up."

"If I had the responsibility then I wouldn't had decided to continue this mistake," He growled.

"You're not the one pushing the child from your womb. When that happens, I'll take your feelings into consideration," Ka Koubun refused to be bullied around.

"I'll be helping of course," She didn't know why she felt the need to comment, maybe it was her old self trying to smooth things over. "I need to know what my body will be doing as well."

"Of course," Ka Koubun directed his attention to her. "And since you will not be joining us in the fields, you'll have more time to go in depth."

Kougyoku tried to not let his words affect her so. Frankly that fact hadn't occurred to her. Still it didn't take the voices long to cash in on the info.

_Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space. They'll starve because of you. Lazing around as you stomach swells and the others fade away._

Kougyoku tried to keep her breathing under. The emptiness was ready to swallow her whole. She had to fight back, couldn't let this child get taken too.

"I'll farm until I cannot," She used her general voice for the first time in years. She had to appear strong even while being at her weakest.

"If that's what you wish," Ka Koubun's face was unreadable, still he hoped that for once he was feeling the slightest of pride in her.

* * *

Kougyoku was truly an idiot. There was no other way Judal could rationalize her behavior. She had not only chosen to doom them all, but she refused to enjoy the small benefits it brought her.

As the weeks passed, she wore baggier clothing to hide her condition. Even with the burning sun, she kept those sweaty things on and farmed side by side with the eunuch and him. He didn't understand why she refused to relax and avoid such menial jobs.

If he possessed an occupied womb, he would have seized every opportunity to rest. For now instead of parting after dinner, the three of them would bury themselves in scrolls and texts Ka Koubun seemed to summon from thin air. It was so boring. He had much better things to do than learn about each and every little detail of pregnancy.

_Yes, staring at the wall and watching the rukh is more productive._

Whatever, at least it was his volition. Even if we had been on board with this bad idea, he would have hated being forced to study like this. Still he didn't want to challenge Ka Koubun directly. There had been murder in his eyes, and without magic, Judal was probably the weakest member of the household.

Part of him wanted to go back to taking this tension out on Kougyoku, but he had stopped visiting her at nights. He told himself it was out of spite, to show his disdain for her choices. After all despite what she thought, he had not been so affected by her presence. Sex was enjoyable, but he felt no craving for it from her specifically. Still even he had to face his lie sooner or later.

_You're afraid, a coward to the core. You can't deal with your consequences, that you could be a father. To touch her again could cause her to birth another demon child._

No way in hell was he a coward. He had fought by Hakuryuu's side, staying against all the odds. He had survived Al Thamen and helped slay the Witch Queen. Even so, it took him until her stomach was beginning to protrude for him to speak to her.

Kougyoku had ran off for a break or something, but it had been forever since. When he went to confront her about skipping out on work, he found her doubled over and spilling her guts once more.

"You should quit now, whore. What use is working for you?"

She must have been really exhausted, for she barely responded to his slur. Instead she looked up to face him, flecks of vomit still left on her lips.

"It's how I stay sane. You should understand."

Her words affected him more than he would have liked to admit. Maybe that was the only thing that tied the three of them to this godforsaken village.

* * *

Carrying a child was harder than she had liked to admit. She had been prepared for many of the symptoms thanks to Ka Koubun but still was different living out the blotchy skin.

Or for the frequent trips to the outhouse. Or the random nosebleeds.

It was difficult, but Ka Koubun listened to every little complaint. When he could, he did whatever it took to soothe her cravings or help her out in other ways. It was almost like he was back to the Ka Koubun from when they first arrived in Xiaoshi, all kind words and helpful requests. Still it wasn't like that Ka Koubun was different from the one who had discounted her entire ordeal. She had to understand that they were the same person if she wanted to ever be able to settle things with him.

So one night, while she started knitting a blanket for the child, she tried to start the conversation with him.

"Ka Koubun?" He looked up from another pregnancy scroll he seemed to have an endless supply of.

"Yes, Gyoku?"  
"Do you still think I threw everything away by running to here? I've fallen so hard. The Whore's daughter is going to give birth to the child of a fallen Magi who helped cause our country to go to war against itself in the first place. I had jewels and riches back in Rakushou, and now I have nothing but this," She gestured to her surroundings.

"All you say is true, still I've realized I'm one to talk," He sighed. "When we first started to run, those details about my past were a total slip of the tongue. I don't know what came over me. Either way, I made mistakes as well and lost almost everything. But then after that I ended up serving a princess of Kou. I would have never reached such a high position without those previous mistakes."

"But now we are back and lower than before."

"Not necessarily," Ka Koubun stood and began preparing a pot of tea. "Our little farm is able to sustain itself. You escaped the pressures that drove you so close to insanity. We should try to be satisfied with all we have."

_But I'm not free from the pain that drove me here. There are still days where I am convinced I'm still the stupid whore, useless princess, and waste of space. things haven't changed, yet they should have by now!_

"Those words don't sound like yours," Kougyoku sighed.

"They're not," He put the kettle on the stove. "Still I'm trying to change so I can accept life here. Believe me, it isn't easy at all."

She couldn't help but laugh at the way he sucked the air in through his teeth. It was a little quirk that managed to unite both the ambitious and caring Ka Koubun she knew.

"I guess I'm learning how to live here too."

"And it seems like we'll have plenty of time for that."

It was unlikely that she was going to get a better apology out of him than that, but this was good enough for her. Without thinking, she leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"I don't know what I'd do without you."

_Now's the time. Tell him about the Traitor King's betrayal. He will understand. He will be there to dry your tears._

But no matter how hard she tried, Kougyoku couldn't force those words out. Oh well, today was a shaping up to be a good day. No need to taint a future happy memory. When this place was finally home, she would confess his sins against her, but they had a lot of growing to do before that was the case.

* * *

It was only when the weather started to cool and Kougyoku's stomach began to become impossible to hide did Judal touch her again.

There were no words. He just kissed her like he always did, rough and demanding. Even with her new bump, they went about things as if the pregnancy didn't exist. Kougyoku didn't know what to think on the matter, and while her mind told her not to push things, she couldn't help but question his reasoning.

"So..." She paused to catch her breath in the quiet that always followed. "...what made you decide to start this mess again?"

"The eunuch said it would be good for you." All these years and he would not say his name. "Apparently woman in your... _condition_ can get a bit lonely."

"Oh? Your desires have not grown at all?"

"Nothing outside of the usually functions of my equipment." At least he had learned to pretty up his language a bit around this matter.

"I guess I really will never be Hakuryuu."

"Will you _shut up_ about Ryuu for _once_ in your life?" He sat up, red eyes glowing with annoyance. "I didn't come here because of him."

"You didn't?" Kougyoku couldn't hide her surprise. They had started out just talking about sex, that was easy, nothing but simple facts and statements. But were they really going to try to explore the past once more? She had eventually given up on such a useless task when they first started sleeping together, but now he seemed the one eager to go back.

"Course not. I held no specific desire towards him either."

"But I thought you loved him?"

"I might have," Red eyes turned away. "If a monster of a magi could have loved a prince. Still while there are similarities, the things the drew me to him are different from what draw me to you."

"What do you mean?"

Judal blinked twice, looking over her naked form once more. "Well your boobs are great for starters."

Despite herself, Kougyoku found her heart fluttering once more. It wasn't because of a pure maiden's love or anything idealistic like that. Still she found herself enjoying the feeling nevertheless.

"This is the dark magi that seduced me."

"If anything it was you who did the seducing."

And just like that, the moment was gone. She really was the whore, corrupting those around her. Blood couldn't be changed no matter how hard she tried.

"Do you think I'm forcing our child to be a whore as well?"

"Hard to say since the monster isn't even out your vagina yet."

"It's already a monster, yet it can't be a whore."

"Will you just shut up?" Judal closed his eyes. "There are worst things in the world than having sex. If you're going to keep up with that nonsense then I'm going to sleep."

_There are worst things in the world than having sex._

No one had ever told her that. Sex outside of marriage had always been sinful and evil and capable of ruining lives. Still looking at herself now, aside from the pregnancy, her life hadn't changed too much after giving up her virginity.

Having sex wasn't the worst thing she could do. The idea was mind-boggling. Kougyoku spent nearly the rest of the night grappling with that concept.

* * *

She always tried to smile so hard. The early winter forced Judal to face that fact head-on. He had planned to retreat back to his room like he had for the other years, but Ka Koubun was still set on him helping with her condition.

And it was also Kougyoku herself who liked to play pretend, as if they were a family. It was disgusting and annoying having to eat meals together and do other sappy stuff, but it was those activities that let him finally get his head out of his ass. No matter what, even when discussing boring things such as this years crop yield, she wore a small smile as fragile as porcelain.

He eventually realized, this was her way of trying to fight off the emptiness. Each smile was a spell of sorts, trying to force happiness. And some days it seemed to work, and she was like how she was before the war changed them beyond compare. Other days though, it was so false and flimsy he wondered why she even tried.

The part of him that forgot he was a monster wanted to help her. He still had memories of the whore's daughter and the demon child raising hell. That part finally understand her fondness for the past. Before he had been too wrapped up in the lost of his power and Ryuu's death to think on such things. However being forced to be around her so much, finally brought those memories to his forefront. And after all the anger and hate and rage he had felt at himself, he was so tired. To focus on someone else would be almost relaxing.

But then Judal remembered who he was. The living weapon Al Thamen created. The failed revolutionary who led his King to a grave. There was nothing he could do to help her. All he could do these was press his body against her's and sweat out the pain for a while. He was useless, powerless, and worst of all the demon child was merely weeks away at this point.

_You are nothing. No need to concern yourself with the others while you remain rukh-less._

A monster shouldn't pretend to be human. It was a waste of both time and energy.

_Then why do I want to pretend anyway?_

* * *

It had been a rough night as it was with the baby shifting around more than usual. Kougyoku tried and tried to get to sleep, but it was just too much. Reluctantly she opened her eyes, only to find Judal staring at her.

"What is it?" She groaned, too tired to be angry or anything. There were worst habits of his.

"The second set of rukh is acting weird."

"Wait you can see their rukh already?!" She sat up, wide awake now. "I didn't even know that you could see rukh since..." She trailed off, embarrassed by her insensitivity.

"I do," His words struck like a knife. "I've always been able to."

"Ah," She looked down at her pregnant belly. "Well what was so interesting about them?"

"That's what I was trying to figure out," He clicked his tongue, looking her over.

"Oh the baby is just being restless," It occurred to her how he knew nothing of stuff like this. She had shared every detail under the sun with Ka Koubun, but her state had been a mystery to him. "Do you wanna... do you wanna feel the kicks?"

Judal scrunched his nose as if she had asked him to drink her menstrual blood. "I told you, it's a monster. I don't want anything to do with it."

"Then why did you care to check?"

Red eyes shot her a wilting look. "Why must you be so difficult?"

"I'm just acting like you do."

"That's not something to strive for," He ran a hand through his hair. "And to tell the truth I kinda don't want you to die," He groaned, as if admitting a vice.

Such words were strange coming from Judal. She couldn't even remember him saying anything positive about her since being in Xiaoshi. This could be his very first attempt at being nice. And to her, the whore who had abandoned her family.

"You know I don't want you to die either," She admitted. "I'm not sure what I would do without you."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not!" Kougyoku glared. "I'm telling the truth. Why won't you believe me?!"

"Because you can't not know what it would be like!" He snapped. "Obviously you'd be better without me!"

Kougyoku was taken aback by her words. She was used to his constant swagger, not such blatant self-hatred. It was an alien entity to her, but strangely enough it made sense. From an objective point, her life hadn't bettered with him around. Still she couldn't say such things without feeling as if something was off.

"Judal, you're not pure evil."

"Then what am I?" He leaned in closer, but she would not let him distract her. "I wasn't raised on those concepts. My moral compass was shattered soon after birth. Good. Evil. That's always been bullshit to me. All I know is how to get something I want and how to destroy. There is nothing in me that could be mistaken for a human emotion."

"Well you may be broken, but so am I!" Kougyoku focused on her sheets. "I wish I still cared about that other stuff, but I can't. Nobody but you in my life can understand this. Ka Koubun doesn't know what it is like to be beyond repair." Everything seemed to shift into place at her words. That was why she had put up with every insult and outburst. She couldn't stand being alone, lost in the recesses of her mind. Only Judal could match her mistakes and regrets.

"I need you more than you do," She hated herself for being so weak, but it was the truth. "And I know a baby was never your idea, but can we try to make this work?" Her voice cracked. "I don't want to go at this alone."

He just kept looking at her with those red eyes, confusion evident. In moments like these, he really reminded her of a curious animal trying to understand humanity. Maybe that was really his true nature, a feral beast kept on a short lease for too long.

She had given up getting a response from him, when suddenly she found lean arms embracing her. They were cold and stiff. Always were, likely would always be. Still it felt so good to have his acceptance, she couldn't care less.

"Thank you," She whispered, finally allowing the tears to fall. She understood she would never get verbal affection from him. Still his physical answer would get her through the night as it always did.

Maybe she could really form a new life here as Ka Koubun wanted them to.

Maybe she could end up being happy.

* * *

It was nerve-racking being around Kougyoku with her stomach so taunt. The birthing was imminent and despite all the studying forced on him, he was still unsure what he would do if faced with her water breaking.

_You are always a coward. All the books in the world couldn't change that._

Thankfully when the time came, he was out of the house. Ka Koubun had wisely started sending him on errands in case Kougyoku went into labor, and after returning from one such trip, he found the eunuch running around like a chicken with his head cut off.

"There you are, you useless lump on a log!" He seemed to have forgotten all about the task he had bestowed on Judal. "Don't just stand there! Gyoku's begun!"

"What?" The non-monster part wanted to look around and check on her condition, but it was quickly dragged back to earth my Ka Koubun's harsh tongue.

"You can't be that stupid to not understand! I need to be with her when the contractions pick up. You handle the rest of the preparations!" He rattled off a long confusing list of things to do. All he remembered was some random herbs to prepare and something about boiling what. That was simple enough.

However when Judal went to grinds the herbs Ka Koubun mentioned, he found his hands shaking so horribly he couldn't continue the task.

_Useless. Useless. You can't pretend to be human. Stop trying to function like the rest of them._

He didn't remember much after that. But at some point he found himself sweating buckets and carrying to requested items to Kougyoku's room. There he found Ka Koubun hovering over her like a mother hen as she laid spread-eagle and gasping for breath.

"Judal!" Her eyes lit up when she saw him. "Oh thank God!"

He avoided responding to her and instead delivered the eunuch his supplies.

"About time! If I knew you would be so slow, then I would have done then myself," He rolled the mixture up in a handkerchief and poured into a solution he had next to him. "This should reduce her pain. Now go stand by her and help count out contractions! We're at the two hour mark as of now." Once more he found himself obediently following Ka Koubun's every order. Once he got into range, Kougyoku began to squeeze his hand so hard, he worried she'd break it.

"I have no idea what to do."

"Just stay by need then. Let me hold onto you."

Before he could question her logic, she let out a scream and suddenly Judal was caught up in the action. Somehow he figured out what was needed, and the rest of the time passed in a blur. Still it left him dizzy and confused, and Kougyoku kept moaning and squeezing his hand over and over again. He wondered if time was repeating over and over again, and he was left to be stuck forever in the process.

"Dear Lord, you're not the one in labor, and you're more a mess than Gyoku," Ka Koubun glowered at him. "We can't have you freaking out now, just go and wait outside. We should be able to take it from here."

"No..." She groaned. "Judal I need-" She screamed, and before Judal could regret his decision, he ran out of the room. Once in the dining room, he could breathe again. The world wasn't crashing down before his eyes anymore.

_God you're so weak and scared. You can never face the truth head on._

He had tried to ignore her pregnancy as much as he could, tried to pretend it had just been a bad dream one time. But the truth was ready to enter this world any minute, and he couldn't take it. Couldn't accept he was going to be a father soon.

Whenever he got lost in thoughts like that, time was impossible to measure. He'd loop the same set of words over and over until before he knew it, the day was gone. So much would change while he stayed the same monster as ever. So when his angst was interrupted by a scream for Kougyoku and the sound of crying, he was only half surprised.

_The demon spawn is here. It'll kill us all, Gyoku first but me last._

He was frozen in his spot for a few minutes, and when Ka Koubun came out carrying a small bundle of cloth, he couldn't do anything but stare in shock.

"Take care of her, while I help Gyoku through the afterbirth," Before Judal could complain, the child was thrust into his arms.

This was it. This was his child. He created life, but that was impossible. He only destroyed. Even then, the small withering mass of flesh had a few black hairs on its head. But that was impossible, the thing was so quiet, eyes closed. Was it just sleeping? How could it rest so peacefully after such a stressful event. Obviously this couldn't be his, for it was neither destroying the place or laying lifeless in his arms. This was obviously Ka Koubun's child or even a random villager's. He knew these claims weren't possible, but neither was the fact he had fathered a perfectly normal child.

"Honestly you're freaking me out," He whispered to it. God it was stupid to be frightened of a baby, but that rationalization did nothing to soothe him.

"Judal."

He whipped his head up to see Ka Koubun standing before him again.

"It's wonderful that you want to engage in father-daughter bonding, but Gyoku wants a turn holding her."

"Of course" He rushed to her room without another word. There he found her glowing with sweat, but wearing an almost peaceful expression.

"Oh let me see her, Judal!" She didn't need to say anymore for him to thrust it into her arms. If Kougyoku noticed his panicked nature, she said nothing and went on to coo over the small mammal.

"Isn't she beautiful?"

"She doesn't even have a full head of hair."

"I don't care. I think she's absolutely gorgeous," She beamed as if she was the Kougyoku from before. The non-monster part of himself was floored, but before he could enjoy the feeling, she was off rambling about the child again.

"Are you glad to have kept her now?" Her voice was so shaky and insecure. He was already breaking as it was, but that was too much. He only grunted, unable to speak coherently at this point.

"Good," She laughed. "That makes me glad."

_But this can't be my child. A monster can't father something so normal. It will either kill us all or I will. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?_

"You know, I've been thinking of a name. How does Taohua sound?"

Taohua, a peach blossom, like the ones they used to play under. So cutesy and girly. So normal. This family must be able to only have one monster, but then where did that leave him? These two seemed able to live a peaceful life. A monster like him just ruined things. They might be happy if they were on their own.

His body moved on his own and he was kissing her, hard and passionately. Her lips were dry and chapped, yet he didn't know what else to do. He only stopped once Kougyoku gently pushed him away.

"Not now!" She teased. Ever since she had finished giving birth she had seemed to radiate life and excitement, despite her sleepy look in her eyes. She looked so at ease for once. "I'm so happy we'll get to be a family. The future is limitless for once."

Limitless alright. Anything could happen.

"Going," He muttered. Fresh air would calm his nerves. Fresh air would wash this fear away.

"Judal," He froze half-way through the doorway.

_Don't say it. Don't pretend to love me. Don't lie so we can play pretend just like you want us to._

"Thank you for everything."

He didn't spare her a glance, just quickly shook his head in something that might of resembled a nod and left.

Outside it had grown dark, and snow had started to fall. When did that happen? His clothes weren't suited for this kind of weather, but he couldn't care. Judal just ran and ran and ran until their house was a tiny light in the distance. The rest of the world except for that seemed to disappear.

He remembered his first time coming to this hellhole. He remembered watching Kougyoku scream like a manic, and he had been so surprised she was still living. How would things have been if he had just moved on? How would she had moved on without a monster to hold her back?

He could do it. He could run. He could leave and never have to see them again. It wasn't just fear that motivated him, but concern for her. They would be free of a monster, and he would be free from this damning responsibility.

_"I don't want to go at this alone."_

He suppressed those useless memories. He had no choice in this. A monster like him couldn't pretend to be human. He ran without looking back once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my consistent uploading schedule kinda fell apart, still I hope this chapter's length makes up for things.


	5. Year 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whenever she got a moment for introspection, Kougyoku couldn’t help but muse it was like after her first time. The world both seemed radically different from before, but little had really changed. She was now a mother-a title that not even death could erase-but at the core of her being, she was still the Kougyoku that had chosen to run away from her problems instead of facing them head on. A baby had not changed her fundamentally.

It was only the next day, either of them noticed Judal was gone. Things had been so busy that his absent had taken a while to have an effect.

Ka Koubun was the one to tell her. While she was breastfeeding Taohua and dreaming of a future with the four of them as a family, he came in and told her without even the dignity of appearing sorry.

"Oh," That was all she could remember saying, feeling like things were a dream. Judal was gone.

She went to bed without commenting any more on it. It really wasn't that surprising she kept telling herself. He had never wanted this life. He had made it clear to her at every step of the way. There was nothing she could do now. Life had ran well enough before he had become a part of it. She would survive well enough without him.

When she awoke in the middle of the night to a piercing screech, her first instinct was to reach for Judal, to make sure that whatever danger befell them that he was alright. It was only once she realized the screams were coming from Taohua, did she remember he was gone.

_There's no reason to miss the monster._

She chided herself mentally as she fed Taohua. So she had lost a partner to take out her desires on. It wasn't like she had loved him. It wasn't like either of them had been deluded about the shaky state of their relationship.

Kougyoku sighed.

_It's still going to be strange getting used to not having him around._

* * *

 

Those first few weeks were nothing like she had dreamed them to be. In her mind she had pictured Taohua being a peaceful force over the household, the key to the idyll domestic life she had always dreamed of during her childhood.

But as wonderful as it was holding her in her arms, Taohua seemed unable to be satisfied. There was never a moment to have to herself. Even at night, she couldn't rest for long without Taohua bawling for seemingly no reason.

And sometimes Kougyoku wanted to just let her scream and scream until her little lungs gave out. However whenever that dark thought passed, she would scold herself for daring to entertain such a notion and tend to her as a mother should.

Whenever she got a moment for introspection, Kougyoku couldn't help but muse it was like after her first time. The world both seemed radically different from before, but little had really changed. She was now a mother-a title that not even death could erase-but at the core of her being, she was still the Kougyoku that had chosen to run away from her problems instead of facing them head on. A baby had not changed her fundamentally.

_Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space._

Her personal demons would not leave her even with the departure of one of their kind. How could she have been so foolish? She was just as naive at twenty-five as she had been at seventeen. This was no new reality, she had only been deluding herself with fantasies built from a past they would never get back. Just had to get over it and accept things.

Even so, it hurt to realize there was no other option left.

* * *

 

"What do you think of moving before the planting season starts?"

If Kougyoku hadn't had Taohua resting firmly on her hip, she might have dropped her at the statement. Why did Ka Koubun always have to do this? Today had been looking to be a good day, yet he seemed determined to drag her into whatever plan he schemed.

"My answer is the same. Rakushou holds nothing for-"

"I understand that, just please hear me out Gyoku," Brown eyes held nothing but sincerity, and so she was forced to listen. "I meant what I said about our little farm here in Xiaoshi being valuable, but there's a risk that now you're an unmarried woman with a child. Ruan isn't too far and might be a good place to settle as a supposedly married couple who just started their family. We'd integrate with the locals much easier then."

"When have I ever cared about this village?" The monotone of her voice surprised even her. Still the truth was Kougyoku couldn't name a single thing about her neighbor despite living next to them for the last five years.

"I understand, believe me, I speak from a purely business perspective." Ka Koubun wrinkled his nose as if detecting a horrible stench. "Besides now that he's gone it might be wise to downsize our-"

"That's the reason for this isn't it?" She laughed at the realization, but there was no humor to it. "You want to get rid of him for good. So that even if he does return he has no idea where we went."

"Gyoku, you're blowing this out of proportion-"

"Aren't I telling the truth though?" She leaned forward, teeth bared like fangs. "You always have your plans, your schemes, whatever idea it is to turn me into something I'm not. He can't be part of the me you want, so you want him gone."

"I'm not going to have this discussion with you, Gyoku," Ka Koubon's words were so sharp she couldn't help but flinch. "However may I ask one question? Are you waiting for him to return, and if you are, what are you planning to do?"

Kougyoku drew herself to her full height, shifting Taohua into a more comfortable position.

"I'm not holding my breath for him, but if he comes back then I'll give him what he deserves." Visions of them sparring as they used to swarmed her head-only this time she would show no mercy. She'd don her hairpin and-

Her heart stuttered in her chest, and she tried not to choke on her tongue in the process. Still as she hacked up a lung, Ka Koubun went into full on protective mood.

"Gyoku are you ok?" His hand was on her back and he taken Taohua from her arms. Even so Kougyoku could not stop the shivers going down her spine.

_The Traitor King still haunts you. He is another demon that lingers._

"I'm fine."

She was just having to get used to remembering it was not one but two men who have betrayed her now.

* * *

 

Kougyoku began to notice the cellulite covering the back of her legs soon after the planting season started.

Despite having no one to impress, the dimples irritated her to no end. It was another sign of how she wasn't the innocent maiden she tried to so hard to prove to the court, and while she knew it shouldn't matter at this point, it still did.

Things were like their first year here, minus the baby that was tied to her back. They'd carry water from the well and plow and request seeds from the main store and do anything to fit in. It was even more of a lost cause than before though. There was no escaping the judgmental stares that were thrown her way whenever she was forced to bring Taohua into town.

Still that didn't change work. Work was work, the same as it always had been. They'd rise early to get a head start on the day so that by noon they'd break for lunch, but soon they'd go back to work. And then they'd break for dinner and go to bed. Kougyoku knew Ka Koubun was trying again to tired her so much, the voices wouldn't speak. It didn't work though, they never stopped.

_Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space._

She wanted to become a doll. Sit there like a pretty little thing. When people say hello, you reply with a small wave. Wash, rinse, and repeat. When people asked if you were ok say,

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine." Say it until it doesn't even sound like a word. They say the more you tell a lie, the more it starts to become true. Whoever they are.

But before the transformation was complete, Taohua would cry, and Kougyoku would be reminded once more of the cellulite.

* * *

 

She told herself she didn't want him back, and there was truth to that statement. His presence would hardly make things better. If anything his absence was one less problem she has to handle.

Still that didn't make her body want his any less.

The late summer nights left Kougyoku hot and restless for two very different reasons. The first had to do with the heat that made even a light cotton blanket stifling. The second had to do with the phantom limbs that didn't even belong to herself.

In her dreams, he had never left. His mouth still crushed hers with the same intensity, as if been branded with his tongue. Her hips bucked to the same rhythm she had memorized during their time together. Her senses were overwhelmed by each touch yet begged for more and more until-

Taohua's cries once more broke Kougyoku from her slumber, high-pitched and unrelenting. Maybe if she had been a bit quieter Kougyoku would have been able to tolerate it. Maybe if her dreams hadn't been so tantalizingly real for a split second she would have gotten up as usual.

But for whatever reason, Kougyoku could not control herself this time and screamed back.

"Just shut up! Why can't you be quiet for just one second?!"

It took a moment for her to even register the words that have come out her own mouth. But then once they did, Kougyoku was up and cradling Taohua with the utmost care.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," She rubbed her cheek against Taohua's, planting soft kisses to her brow. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what's come over me." She didn't know personally what mothers were supposed to act like, but this couldn't be proper behavior. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kougyoku kept repeating and repeating herself until Taohua was latched to her breast once more and feeding.

The more the dream faded from the front of her conscious, the more shame ate away at her core. God what was she doing? She chose to have a child and this is how she treated her?

"I need to be strong," Kougyoku wasn't sure who she was talking to, but it didn't matter at this point. "I've had years of weakness. I need to be strong."

_Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space._

This time there was no use denying those accusations.

* * *

 

For a while there, Kougyoku really fooled herself. She thought she was actually showing strength instead of running away again. She finished up the planting season with Ka Koubun and went back to her needlework and caring for Taohua. It was easy to think she was doing well with the cold weather as an excuse not to go out as often. It was easy to hide behind a lie and insist no this time she really was moving forward.

However, the truth came crashing down on her the minute she let her guard down.

It happened when she was least expecting it. Kougyoku was having a good day as she brought groceries back from the general store and then she caught sight of him. In a flash, her body moved on its own and she was back home without an idea how she got there.

"Gyoku?" Ka Koubun looked up from his book. "Are you ok? You're trembling?"

She hadn't even noticed how she had been shaking so hard that the items in her arms had practically flown out from them.

"I'm fine," It didn't matter in the long run. A few bruised pieces of fruit was nothing in comparison to this. "Get Taohua."

"Why, what's going on-" She was already racing off to her room, fumbling through her belongs for it. It was only once she held the hairpin case did she stop and think about the implications of everyone.

_I can't defend my family. I can't defend it even from him._

She didn't realize she was crying until the tears began to roll off her cheek, and after that there was no stopping them. All the days and weeks and months of trying to stay strong and move on came crashing out in chocked sobs.

"How dare you leave me like this..." Like the tears, the words came out without her knowledge. "I told you I didn't want to go at this alone, but still..."

"Gyoku," Ka Koubun was leaning down in front of her now, Taohua in his arms. "Gyoku, tell me what's going on, please."

"Why does this keep happening to me? Why does every man I fall for ultimately betray me? Please Ka Koubun can you explain?"

He began to chew on his lips, obviously at a lost for words; he began to open his mouth, but before he could speak, there was a knock at the door.

"Let me answer that, then we'll deal with this."

Kougyoku moved to grabbed his robes in fear, but he was gone in a flash. There was nothing to do but wait for her world to end.

_Everything is ruined you stupid whore, useless princess, waste of space._

"Gyoku," Ka Koubun was back in front of her again, Taohua still in his arms. What, this didn't make sense? Was time just repeating itself, was she doomed to a loop pf her own self-destruction?

"Gyoku that was just a Sindrian peddler, what has you so scared?"

Just a peddler? Then the Traitor King really hadn't sent someone to drag her back to Rakushou or murder her in her sleep. The relief from that realization was so overwhelming, she began to laugh. And then she laughed and laughed and laughed until there was no air left in her lungs.

"Dear lord, I'm a mess," Kougyoku sighed as the exhaustion hit her full force. "It doesn't matter how hard I try, but I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry Ka Koubun." She smiled but there was no joy to it.

There really was no reason to pretend otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Arrives a year later with Starbucks in hand* So about that cliffhanger... I didn't mean to leave it for a year, but whoops stuff happens. I won't give you a sob story. Just know that neither me or this story is dead quite yet


	6. Year 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But listlessness was not the same as laziness. Sometimes she’d awake with a list of chores to do, but her body would be too weak to carry them out. It was like a fog, that swept in overnight and engulfed all her senses. Even pleasure was hard to partake in when submerged by it. Why get out of bed when you’re a stupid whore? Why try to be helpful when you’re a useless princess? You don’t even deserve to exist you waste of space.

Somehow, Kougyoku found herself confessing the whole sorry affair.  She barely remembered the words she actually spoke.  Rather the only thing that stuck out to her was the look of disappointment in Ka Koubun’s eyes throughout the entire thing.

Once she had finished her tale, Ka Koubun leaned back with a heavy sigh.  For a long time, neither of them said a word.  But what really was there to say?  It seemed even a chatterbox who always had to share his opinion like him was left mute by his stupidity.

After what felt like an eternity, Ka Koubun finally replied,

“He needs to be charged for this.”

“It was my fault for trusting Sinbad.  I was so naive--”

“Espionage is a serious offense!  Especially through the royalty of another country!  He humiliated the entire Kou Empire, and I will not stand by and--”

“What do you plan to do!?  Go back to Rakushou and reveal how much of a whore I am in the process!?”  She fought the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.  “For years I’ve had to live with the knowledge that I was practically defiled by the man I adored, and that no matter what I do, it will never be made right.  Do you think my life is meaningful enough to make a dent in the King of the Seven Sea’s reputation?  In the years I’ve wasted away, he’s probably only gotten more powerful.  Who would care that I was cracked in the process by such a great ruler?”

Ka Koubun grew silent once more, yet his body trembled with emotion.  It made sense, he had been just as outraged at her when they found him in her bed the morning after a party.  Still it was pointless to wage a war they were doomed to lose.

However instead of protesting her decision, he asked her her a question that caught her completely off-guard.

“Did the broken Magi know this?  Is that why you trusted him so, when he didn’t deserve to even bask in your shadow?”

Was he seriously asking about her sex life?  The mere thought was so bizarre, it tore down her insecurities’ need to self-censor herself.

“Yes he was the one who figured it out, but that wasn’t all that drew me to him.  It felt less like a sin to consort with someone deprived than to do so with someone good.  Neither of us were tainting each other, just falling apart in the same moment.”

A cry from Taohua punctuated their conversation.  Ka Koubun stood to try and ease her back into her nap again, but before he left, he challenged Kougyoku with his words once more.

“Yet he gets to slip out from actually dealing with his consequences.”

Kougyoku gave a tired sigh, “I know.”

_Once again you’re the stupid whore, useless princess, waste of space._

“And for that I’ll never forgive him.”

 

* * *

 

The days grew cooler and cooler, and Kougyoku found her coping mechanism slipping from her grasp.  With the harvest season practically done, there were fewer and fewer forces pulling her away from her bed.

Listlessness was such an odd beast to wrestle with.  It was a luxury to not have to work.  As the 8th princess of Kou she had been aware of this fact, but nothing like living a life as a commoner exemplified that.  Sometimes one task could take the entire day, and at night you were left wondering where the time had slipped away.  How nice must her life had seemed to everyone else.  What was standing a little bullying and ostracization for the chance to laze about and sleep in?

But listlessness was not the same as laziness.  Sometimes she’d awake with a list of chores to do, but her body would be too weak to carry them out.  It was like a fog, that swept in overnight and engulfed all her senses. Even pleasure was hard to partake in when submerged by it.  Why get out of bed when you’re a stupid whore?  Why try to be helpful when you’re a useless princess?  You don’t even deserve to exist you waste of space.

Ka Koubun was a great help on her worst days.  When she couldn’t even get up, he’d sling Taohua across his back and leave her a bowl of soup within reach.  Sometimes she’d be grateful for his presence, but then the voices would come back again.

_You’re so pathetic.  You don’t deserve to his time.  What kind of person can’t even manage to take care of herself._

Sometimes, before the voices could torment her, she would grow angry with him in their place, wondering why he didn’t just let her waste away.  Why did he have to remind her of her weakness?  Why did he keep trying to drag her back to the world of the living when all it brought to her was pain?

Sometimes, on a rare occasion, a fire would be lit inside her.  The fog would disperse as she told herself that things were going to change.  She was going to give life a try,  She was going to stop being such a burden on Ka Koubun.

But the fire always eventually went out.  And she’d wake up another morning listless again.

 

* * *

 

With warmer weather came something stronger than the fire she could muster on her own.  It wasn’t strong enough to save her; Kougyoku wondered if anything could at this point, but it managed to wake her up from the sleepwalking that had become her life.

The three of them were sitting around the table for lunch.  Spring had started to arrive, so they ate with the side-door open.  The gentle rays of sunlight were so pleasant Kougyoku found herself tilted her head up towards them.  There was a sort of mindlessness to it all.  It was as for a little while, the only burden anyone carried was existing.  And so Kougyoku drank in the moment for as long as she could.

As if to complete a painting, a butterfly fluttered towards them.  However just as she was admiring it, Taohua did the unthinkable.  She stood up and took a few wobbly steps to chase after it.

With lightning reflexes, Kougyoku reached out to grab her.  The movement was so sudden, both Ka Koubun and Taohua flinched.  

Kougyoku didn’t know if she was breathing heavily from the sudden exertion or from her shock.  Either way, she tried to compose herself before she spoke again.  She wasn’t sure how she would react otherwise, if she hadn’t. 

“...when has she...was that the first time or...”

“She took her first steps a few months ago,”  Ka Koubun smoothly replied.  “A little after her first birthday.”

First birthday?  It had already been a year since that day she had thought they were on the verge of discovering true happiness? For years now her relationship with time had been fuzzy and unreliable, and she had simply accepted it for the most part.  But what was it that she was truly missing?

Kougyoku looked down at the infant in her arms.  While Taohua was still small and covered with baby fat, she was looking more and more like a small child as opposed to a babe.  She was growing up right in front of her eyes, and yet Kougyoku was missing it all.

Taohua began to squirm more and more, reaching towards Ka Koubun.  “Ka,”  She cried in the small voice of hers.  And Kougyoku complied and let her waddle back towards him.

“Let me guess, her first words was your name?  Does she even know the word Mama?”

“Gyoku, please try and stay calm--”

“Oh I’m calm.”  She snapped, fully ignited for the first time in a long time.  However, as she opened her mouth to speak once more, the fire burned out and she was left in the same suffocating smog.  “Never-mind.”  She left for her room without another word.  As she laid down, it occurred to her that Taohua had been moved to Ka Koubun’s room a long time ago.

But instead of giving up completely, Kougyoku found that fire returning to her in short bursts.  Once a week, she’d gather Taohua in her arms and the two of them would sit under the blossoms she was named for.  In a quiet voice, she would tell stories of Judal and her growing up.

Was she making an impact at all?  Kougyoku didn’t know.  She didn’t know what the right kid of stories to tell a child, probably not ones about their father calling their mother an “Old Hag” before throwing rotten peaches at her.  She didn’t know if Taohua enjoyed them at all, or would even be able to remember these moments.  Still Kougyoku wanted to be more to her than her own mother had been, a shadow she knew nothing of as a person.  She wanted to try so bad.  She honestly did.

But was it worth it for someone like her to even attempt to live?

 

* * *

 

It was soon after that she started to dream again.  Only now her dreams were no longer haunted by touch of a man she might have loved in spite of everything.  Instead of wild nights where all she was a hot, flushed body pressed against another, she dreamed of the two of them sitting together under the peach blossoms and basking in the sun together.  After all, at this point they were both equally unrealistic fantasies.  

He never said anything, just stared with those damn red eyes.  Sometimes he stared at her like she had three heads, and other times he stared at her chest or rump with a mischievous smirk.  She took it all in without much resistance, for the first few nights.  There was a comfort to existing nearby each other, even if this wasn’t real, so she tolerated things for a while.

But then one night, something was different.  Kougyoku couldn’t pinpoint what exactly had changed.  Maybe she was just tired, tired of him and Ka Koubun and Taohua and just life in general, so instead of sitting in silence she screamed.

“Do you know how much I hate you?  Do you know how much I despise your being, how much I wish to strangle your throat and then snap your neck?  I hate what you did to me.  I hate what you did to our daughter.  It wouldn’t have hurt if you had been just a jerk and an awful person.  You’ve always been like that.  Why did you have to become a liar too?  Why didn’t you save the trouble and leave me once you knew I was carrying her?  Did you enjoy breaking my heart?”

“...”

“Do you know how much I want you?  I thought without you I could control my sinful thoughts, but they only grow worse without you here.  I want to fuck you senselessly, feel you inside me again.  I want your lips against my neck as I scratch up your back.  Then right after you moan my name in pure ecstasy I want to tear your heart and watch you bleed out and die.  Maybe by then you’ll have suffered close to what I have.”

“...”  More silence, as if her words were nothing but soft breezes of wind, but then what had she been expecting?  She was a stupid whore, useless princess, waste of space.  That’s what she would always be.

Just as she had given up though, Judal spoke.

“You’re a shitty liar, Gyoku.  As if you’d have the balls to do any of that.  What is it that you really want?”

The question shook her to the core.  What was there beyond her sin and anger and self-loathing?  Beyond that she was nothing but a body, nothing worth anyone’s time.  What did she deserve?

But as she thought more and more about his question, she realized that he had never asked that, only what she desired.  And if there was one thing this despicable horrible piece of scum had given her, it was the ability to allow herself to want something.

“I want to be happy.  I want at least to have a bit of peace in my life.  I want to get better.”

“Well then,”  Judal yawned as he stretched and got up.  “Quit bitching at me and do it.”

 

* * *

 

The next morning she awoke, she dismissed the conversation as nothing but her subconscious playing around with random memories.  She told stories to Taohua and started farming with Ka Koubun and was just as confident in her worthlessness as usual.

The sun beat down and their crops grew and the dream faded more and more away.  Still there was something growing stronger inside of her.  It wasn’t a fire, it was something both a part and separate from her own self.  It was something more akin to the voices, less an independent entity and more another side of herself.  Whatever it was, it was that thing that spoke for Kougyoku once they had finished harvest season.

“Well Gyoku, what do you want to do now?”  Ka Koubun asked as he wiped the dirt from his hands.

“I want to learn to be happy.”  The second those words slipped from her lips, the voices came to scold her as usual.  How dare she push her burdens on other people.  Why couldn’t she just let them live their life.  Why did she always--

“I think that’s a good idea,”  Ka Koubun answered.  Their eyes met, and it felt as the rukh in the air had shifted.

“Then what do we do now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s this? It took only eight months for another chapter to come out instead of an literal year? Well color me shocked! We’re on the downward slope y’all. If my outline works out we got three more chapters for the cast to figure out how to heal.


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